controlling sugar levels isnt the only battle

diabetes is hard

diabetes is tough to deal with

diabetes is scary

diabetes is a battle physically and mentally

diabetes is my life.

at the moment I'm finding diabetes difficult, not so much the testing and injecting, its more the effects of doing that.... 

i was doing my jabs every day

i was keeping my levels under control

i was trying my hardest to record it all and look for patterns

then it all fell apart

now, this has happened before for me, normally because the effort of it all became too much.

that's not the reason this time

this time its different, this time its a different battle going on in my head

weight

I've been battling with my weight for over half of my life, I've never been huge, but i have been what i would consider 'fat' for a long time now

it doesn't help though that the doctors and nurses are always on at me about my weight and how losing weight will help my diabetes (despite it being genetic and not linked to weight)

now, weight has always been a sensitive topic for me, I'm very conscious of it and have never had high self esteem so for a doctor to put so much emphasis on it, it just pushes it further and further to the front of my mind and means i have even less confidence.

losing weight is my biggest priority

I've had times where i have starved myself eating about 400cals a day just to lose some weight before an appointment so they don't moan at me

that's how important it is to me

so when i saw that i had lost weight when i got back from uni i was over the moon, i was so chuffed with myself and thought i had actually achieved something.

then i started injecting and controlling my diabetes.

i put on the pounds in a matter of days, not helped by the fact i had several hypos

that upset me so much

injections were dropped

it felt like i had almost been injecting liquid fat into my skin

losing weight is more of a priority than controlling diabetes and i cant believe that i think that.

why would i put how i look before my current and future health? i cant answer that, all i know is that I'm more scared of putting on weight than i am seeing a bad number on my meter

i know i will get abuse for saying that

its hard

people don't understand

there are more battles behind diabetes than people see and for me, weight is the biggest one