when things just drag you down.....

i know i haven't posted in a few days at least... truth is, diabetes has been getting me down. its dragged me down to the pit of despair and has beaten me.

this is just another one of those times i want to be normal. i want to have support, like face to face not just online.... i want to have someone there to give me a hug, hold my hand and fight my battles along side me.

i don't get much support face to face. my d team basically don't give two shits about me or my levels, my family cant even work my meter or insulin pen let alone understand the ins and outs of diabetes and then everyone else who does try to listen to what I'm saying doesn't understand enough to actually be able to help.

then I've put on more weight, it thoroughly depresses me. i know i need to lose weight. i know i need to exercise more. i know i need to eat healthier. but it takes so much energy and effort which i simply don't have. i think this is going to be something i tackle in the summer when i don't have work experience, I'm not as busy and i have more time. 

i also mentioned a while back that my d team wanted me to go back onto tablets.... well i had to stop taking them, they made me feel sooo sick it was unreal, it was to the point where i wasn't eating (but the tabs need to be taken with food) so I'm back on the insulin... only problem is, is that my d team has no idea as they haven't contacted me and i haven't contacted them where I've been busy.... im not looking forward to hearing their take on the matter....

well back to whats been going on the last few days... basically I've given up, I've been taking insulin but its been sporadic, I've only taken it when my levels get high and make me feel ill. but I've got to the point where i no longer care anymore. i don't care that i will get complications. i don't care that I'm diabetic and need to control it. i don't care about much at the moment except getting through each day. that is my focus at the moment and everything else comes after. 

it might sound silly, it might sound like I'm making a fuss. but i have reached a point of complete and utter mental and physical exhaustion. I'm sat here in tears because I'm lost. I'm lost and have no idea of which way to turn anymore or what I'm meant to do. 

so think I'm just gunna sit. I'm going to sit down and wait for the fog to clear so i can find my way again. and when it happens i will hope that i can stay on track. that i can finally get control of diabetes.

finally i would like to say thanks to all of the people that have been there for me, I'm not going to name names but they know who they are. i would just like you to know that i really do appreciate all the support and words of encouragement even though you have never met me. words cant actually describe how much it means to me and i only hope that one day i can repay the favour <3