feeling worse than fine...

if I'm honest, this last week has been awful. so many high readings making me feel rubbish. I've had enough. i want to be able to pack diabetes into a box and kick it into the corner so i can sort myself out for uni and enjoy my last few days/weeks with my friends before we all disappear. i don't want it interfering. not at all.


my averages have shot up, they are at the highest i have had them ever since being on insulin and i have no idea what to do about it... my 7day is 10.2. normally it hovers in the 7-8mmol region. 

my levels are going up and down too much, no hypos, just dropping into normal range then shooting straight back up into the teens as soon as i eat again, even if i take more than enough insulin (yeah I've changed the cartridge etc...) i hate it. it frustrates me. it makes me want to throw my meter across the room, curl up into a ball and just ignore the world for a while. 

right now i resent being diabetic. i am jealous of people who don't have to deal with it every day. maybe that's selfish and i know there are worse things to have, but you know what. diabetes is hard too. harder than people would ever imagine. 

the other day i got asked by a friend what being high felt like? i didn't do a very good job of describing it, but to be fair, my levels were high at the time and i had drunk a fair amount of alcohol so i wasn't too good at finding the right words... but here you go, here is what high feels like for me.....

imagine feeling tired, like you've only slept for a few hours, then adding a leaden heavy feeling in your limbs and an ache behind the eyes. make your brain go fuzzy so you cant concentrate on anything for more than a couple of seconds. then make your mouth so dry it feels like you've stuffed it with cotton balls paired with a thirst which makes you want to drink straight out of a tap because no amount of fluid is gunna help. then on the emotional side, its like being completely overwhelmed, i get teary and angry at the smallest of things, i often just want a hug and a sympathetic ear cos at that moment in time everything is the worst it can be. 

that's what being high is like. its not a nice feeling. 

but the thing that's getting me the most is that because i cant concentrate, i cant sit and get my uni work done. i know i really need to do it, and i know that time is running out fast. but i simply cant. its not physically possible to get it done while my levels aren't in the normal range.

is it too much to ask to just have a bit of a break? just a week? or even a day? yeah, looks like it is....