the brain battle

I've been sat here for a while.... I've had enough. its that simple. i just cant do it anymore....

injections. I'm fed up with injections. fed up with looking like a druggie all the time. fed up of the questions, the looks, the rubbish that comes with taking injectable medicine.

my levels are high.... I've got traces of ketones and i still cant do it. i still cant bring myself to inject again. i know i need to, i know that I'm risking complications, i know that at the end of the day I'm now responsible for my health and whether i do my injections or not, but theres something stopping me.....

I've been looking at my insulin for about 5mins now. just looking. trying to psych myself up to actually take some to get my levels back down from the 20.6 that they are at the moment. theres a fight taking place in my brain. i know i need some but i don't want it.

right now i want to give it all up. i want a new fully functioning pancreas again. i want to be normal again. i want to be able to do things without worrying. i want to be able to live without being ill all the time or feeling rubbish. i want to not have to see the doctors unless I'm actually ill, no more jabs, no more blood tests, just the visits for when i actually need to see them. i want to feel tired because i was up all night, not because my levels are high and i don't want to feel shaky ever again. i just simply want a cure. one for me and all the other people dealing with this shitty disease every. single. day.

but no one sees it. nobody has noticed my high levels. no one has noticed the lack of insulin I've been taking..... diabetes really is invisible in my every day life....

i don't need lectures on the importance of taking insulin. i know. I've got people telling me that already. people who understand and have been in my situation before.... its just, I'm bored of fighting now, its just too much to deal with.

please don't judge. i just need to say whats going on in my head, put it in the open so i can try and sort it out so it doesn't happen anymore.....