read between the lines

lets just say it to begin with. no beating around the bush.

yet again I'm failing at managing my diabetes.

i know its happened time and time again, and i know people are starting to think I'm doing this for attention with a 'poor me' type attitude. i know people think I'm not listening to their advice and just thinking I'm right all the time.... but I'm not.

I'm not doing this for attention, I'm not trying to get sympathy, I'm not ignoring peoples advice and i definitely don't think I'm right about everything.....

I'm just struggling an awful lot and sometimes i need to get stuff off my chest.

i don't need to hear about complications that will happen if i don't take care of myself, i don't need someone having a go, i don't need people telling me to man up and just get on with it, i just literally need someone to listen to me so i don't just keep bottling everything up inside, so i don't reach that dark place that i was in last year when i didn't have people to talk to about things that were happening.

i often don't talk about the stress I'm under, at home, at uni, at work, with diabetes..... sometimes for me it all just gets to be too much to think about and process all at once. this Easter holidays was a big example of that.

i worked pretty much every day, and even when i wasn't working i was doing work for uni (and stressing about the amount of work i had) or helping to look after my sisters. it didn't help that my mum hurt her hip really badly and couldn't drive or do much around the house meaning that after doing 8-10hr shifts at work i was coming home, helping to sort dinner, doing the washing, making sure my sisters were okay, doing any shopping that was needed and picking up prescriptions of my own and for my mum.... by the end of my 2week 'break' i was knackered.

and in the midst of all that stress, diabetes management was totally dropped. as in, i wasn't testing as much, i wasn't injecting too often or the same size doses i would normally have because work makes me hypo a lot so i figured i would rather be high than low as its less disrupting to driving etc and stress makes me higher anyway which didn't help... 

this time it wasn't me missing injections on purpose to rebel against diabetes, it wasn't me stopping testing and injecting just because i couldn't be bothered.... it was simply too much to be dealing with diabetes on top of everything else at the time, so i often just forgot. i found myself at times realising that it was 4pm and i hadn't tested since i got up, that's not on purpose, it was simply something that was forgotten because of how hectic things were.

i think what i need people to realise is that I'm only 19. i deal with a lot more than i should and at the end of the day i cant always cope with that. i know what i need to do and i know what the consequences are if i don't. so don't have a go at me, just listen, read between the lines of what i say and see what I'm actually going through.