trust

trust.

such a small word, but such a big issue for me. 

i find it so hard to trust people. for me, people need to show me that they will stick by me and help me when i need them to for me to trust them... they need to be consistent with what they do and show they care.

sometimes people don't realise how much of an issue it is for me to trust others. i try not to show it, but I'm so used to being let down over and over again by everyone that i now expect to be let down... it almost feels like i deserve it sometimes. I've built walls up for protection and i rarely let people in. i see it as a huge risk letting people see the absolute real me, it makes me feel too vulnerable. 

trust plays a huge part in my relationships with other people, there are only a few people that i trust enough to share what really goes on in my head with. people that i know wont just walk out of my life and screw me over or judge me with the stuff they know.

trusting doctors is another issue i have. the amount of times I've been let down by them in the last 2 1/2 yrs has just totally screwed up any ounce of belief i had in them. that makes it so difficult for me when it comes to getting help with diabetes....

trust is a huge thing to me, I'm getting there slowly with it and I'm learning to trust people more, but sometimes that's hard. sometimes my insecurities build up and the trust i have for people is questioned. i just need people to stand by me when that happens and help me through. 

labels

being labelled sucks. it really sucks.... but when you're labelled by a medical professional, it sucks even more. they are the people that are meant to know best, meant to believe what you say to them and help you sort it...

for a long time before getting a proper diagnosis i had loads of labels attached to my name by the professionals because of things i said to them or asked for. 

i was the fat one who brought diabetes onto themselves 

simply because i need to lose some weight

i was a liar

because i said about side effects that the tablets were giving me - ones that don't normally happen

i was uncooperative

because i said id had enough of trying different tablets with their different side effects and strict regimes

i was over dramatic

when i said that if i didn't go onto insulin to sort the high levels i would have to drop out of college - the constant highs meant my grades dropped low as i couldn't concentrate

i was the girl who 'wanted to inject'

because id had enough of constant high levels that tablets couldn't control - to me injecting 100 times a day would be better than the way things were

i was the one who 'should just accept my diagnosis' 

because i fought for genetic testing as i knew i wasn't type 2

i was the one who caused problems 

because i insisted on having things done in a way i wanted, to control diabetes in a suitable way

i was the over exaggerator 

because my log books showed loads of highs in the teens and twenties but my hba1c never went above 7.5% as my morning levels are always fine so lower it

i was the one who made things up

because i said my pancreas works some times and not others.... apparently this cant happen.... (to my consultant.... have you experienced a day in my shoes?!) 

it was really tough getting to a proper diagnosis. I'm not the kind of person to be bothered by labels.... of course they hurt, but i knew they weren't true, i knew i was doing the right thing by pushing for what i wanted. 

and I'm glad i did. I've got a proper diagnosis now. I've got a new consultant now who seems amazing (only met him once) I've got a new dsn now who is amazingly supportive and has helped so much in the few appointments I've had with her... 

sometimes you just need to push past what people think about you and focus on what you know is true. i fought these battles alone, it was hard and lots of tears were shed, but ultimately it was worth it. 

changing the perspective

life is about perspective, which things you focus on will mean the difference between being happy or not...

this morning i saw the dsn to get a few blood test results and change a few bits on my prescription.... nothing drastic

they were running late (as per usual) so that wasn't ideal as i was having to miss lectures to see her... 

then it started going wrong.... to start, she did my blood pressure.... now, considering that just going to the docs stresses me out, I've got a lot of things going on in my personal life that are stressing me out as well as uni, i wasn't surprised to see the result of it being high.... even after 3 different readings it was still waay above what it should be..... 

next she went through my blood results, cholesterol came back normal (yaay!) and the hba1c was 6.7% which although it is good.... i know that for me that represents a lot of highs (i was diagnosed with a a1c of 6.5%) but the thing she worried about most was that i might be hypoing? baring in mind I've only had a few hypos in the last few months where I've been skipping injections etc i was a tad confused..... 

then it all just got worse..... 

basically since last year I've not had a huge amount of hypo awareness, at night i wont feel hypos till i hit the 1's or 2's and during the day i don't really feel them till I'm in the 2's.... now, that's a big problem when it comes to driving.... to be able to keep your license you have to have good hypo awareness otherwise you're considered a danger on the roads (understandable) so after hearing that i don't feel hypos too well, my dsn has given me a warning that i may lose my license... warned me that she should be advising that I'm not meant to drive at all. I need my car, it plays a big part of my life.... if i lose my license then I'm gunna struggle big time. 

i came away from my appointment upset, fed up, hating diabetes for the problems it causes.... i came away focusing on all the negatives. 

but then that's when perspective comes into it.... you could say I've had a bad appointment because of the bad things that i had said to me.... or you could say that it was a good appointment because i had good blood results, i sorted some things out, i finally opened up to a health care professional that I'm struggling big time. 

perspective plays a big part in determining mood, so now instead of focusing on the negatives I'm gunna focus on those positive bits that will hopefully keep me going....

two days

I'm two days in to trying to control diabetes again and I'm struggling to keep going already...

my levels have been so much better.... Ive only seen one or two highs on my meter (i know I've been spiking after meals though) and my mood and concentration have been better than normal.... i mean yesterday i managed to concentrate not only through my lecture, but also enough to actually do some work in the afternoon too.... that's a big thing for me.... normally i can only do one or the other

but despite the good results, I'm still finding it really really hard to keep going... its just taking so much energy to carry on with the testing and injecting.

its hard to keep the motivation and keep positive. its hard to make sure i inject when, if I'm totally honest, I've had enough of needles and sticking them in my body. its hard to carry on smiling like I'm okay even though I'm totally exhausted. its hard to be how i normally am with friends and socialising when all i really wanna do is curl up in the corner and not say anything to anyone. its hard to put into words how this makes me feel, so far people around me don't know I've been struggling and i haven't said that I'm gunna need help or support or that I'm gunna need to be pushed to keep on top of this.... i still need to do that.

i really am determined to do it though this time, i really do need to get on top of it. i don't want complications in the future.... i don't wanna regret not controlling it now when I'm hooked up to a dialysis machine or legally blind in 30yrs time.... i don't wanna be wheelchair bound from multiple amputations meaning i cant be a proper mum to my children in the future. ultimately i don't wanna be a burden on anyone for any reason, especially not because i chose to ignore diabetes. 

I'm not just doing this for me anymore.... I'm doing this for the people i love and care about.