diabetes is a scary disease. it can lull you into a false sense of security with good blood readings and make you feel like you are finally getting somewhere. then it strikes. it suddenly throws out random high and low readings which make you confused, they make you question yourself and your decisions. you begin to wonder whats happened... did i miscalculate my insulin? is this a dodgy insulin cartridge? have i remembered to calculate all the carbs in my meal?.... the list goes on and on.
now its one thing being in an environment you know, with people who are aware of you being diabetic and of what to do in emergencies. but then its completely different doing that in a strange environment, with new people. people who wont know what to do.
it really scares me that I'm going to uni on my own next month. I'm going to have to teach people about diabetes. about what to do if i go really really low. how to spot the symptoms of a hypo. but then what if they don't want to know? what if they just don't get it? what if they just cant deal with diabetes and the shit that comes with it? that worries me.
maybe I'm being stupid, maybe I'm worrying about nothing and the people i meet are really nice and want to know all about it. but its just another thought, another thing that I'm losing sleep thinking about. yet another thing that diabetes does to make me feel different.
I'm so excited about uni and all the new things it means i get to do, but then diabetes sits there just tinting the good times with hints of bad just so i cant forget. so i cant be carefree like a student should be. but i guess i will just wait and see, i will just get there and deal with it as it arrives and enjoy what i can as much as i can without diabetes ruining things...
Monday 27 August 2012
Monday 20 August 2012
stepping into the unknown
how do you explain to someone how your feeling if you don't really know how to put it into words? how do you tell someone you need help when all you have done your entire life is struggle through on your own? how do you take that gigantic leap into the unknown?
i have never been one to tell someone that I'm struggling. I've never been one to ask for help even when I'm only holding on by the tips of my fingers. I'm not one to share how I'm feeling full stop. its not natural to me.
so when diabetes gets me down, when i don't know how to get my levels into check, when i am just generally having problems i just bottle it all up. i keep it all inside until i cant hold any more. i hold it in until it explodes out of me and makes me feel like I'm a shit person and my life is shit. that's how things have worked for me.
i hate that this is the way i work. i hate that i don't trust people enough to ever fully open up because I'm scared that they wont like what they find. nobody knows me, as in the real me. i hate myself for that.
i hate how much of an impact my mood and my feelings have an impact on diabetes, how it means i don't look after myself because i cant get the motivation to do anything. how i stop caring about the highs and lows which could be dangerous.
i think the bit i hate the most is that i did take that step, i reached out and was getting proper help. i was finding things easier, sharing things more and feeling less alone in my battles. i felt like i actually counted and that someone cared about what i thought.
but then it stopped. it stopped cos i had to leave college. and now i don't have that help I'm back to bottling things up. I'm back to struggling. but I've got to take that leap again. i need to get my life back on track and get my mind less muddled....
i have never been one to tell someone that I'm struggling. I've never been one to ask for help even when I'm only holding on by the tips of my fingers. I'm not one to share how I'm feeling full stop. its not natural to me.
so when diabetes gets me down, when i don't know how to get my levels into check, when i am just generally having problems i just bottle it all up. i keep it all inside until i cant hold any more. i hold it in until it explodes out of me and makes me feel like I'm a shit person and my life is shit. that's how things have worked for me.
i hate that this is the way i work. i hate that i don't trust people enough to ever fully open up because I'm scared that they wont like what they find. nobody knows me, as in the real me. i hate myself for that.
i hate how much of an impact my mood and my feelings have an impact on diabetes, how it means i don't look after myself because i cant get the motivation to do anything. how i stop caring about the highs and lows which could be dangerous.
i think the bit i hate the most is that i did take that step, i reached out and was getting proper help. i was finding things easier, sharing things more and feeling less alone in my battles. i felt like i actually counted and that someone cared about what i thought.
but then it stopped. it stopped cos i had to leave college. and now i don't have that help I'm back to bottling things up. I'm back to struggling. but I've got to take that leap again. i need to get my life back on track and get my mind less muddled....
Thursday 16 August 2012
thats what friends are for :)
so today was my a-level results day.... that can only mean one thing..... celebrating. with lots of alcohol....
now, I've said before that alcohol and diabetes really don't mix, it sends sugar levels all wonky and can lead to some really dangerous lows.
going out drinking is a huge worry for me. i test like mad and never drink too much so that i know what I'm doing diabetes wise. but with uni and freshers week coming up (yeah, i passed all my exams!!) i want to be able to enjoy myself and be like any other student. I'm not going to let diabetes ruin it.
i have been so lucky so far friends wise. all of my friends know that I'm diabetic and always keep an eye on me when we are out even if i haven't asked them to. i mean, that's amazing. i actually cant describe how it feels to know people are around me who are aware of diabetes. they know that i might go high or low and can tell someone (providing they aren't too drunk...)
so tonight I'm going out and i am looking forward to it. but do you know what made my night even better? it was one of my friends, who isn't even coming with us but still thought to remind me to keep an eye on my levels and to be careful. i mean, that is simply the best feeling ever that someone thinks about the effects of diabetes on my evening but doesn't even live with it himself. it made me smile, it made me realise just how amazing he is, and it made me see just how much of an effect diabetes has on people around me even if i try not to let it.
so thanks. thanks to the people that have watched out for me, listened and tried to understand the mess that is diabetes. i can only hope that i can find equally amazing people at uni when i get there.
now, I've said before that alcohol and diabetes really don't mix, it sends sugar levels all wonky and can lead to some really dangerous lows.
going out drinking is a huge worry for me. i test like mad and never drink too much so that i know what I'm doing diabetes wise. but with uni and freshers week coming up (yeah, i passed all my exams!!) i want to be able to enjoy myself and be like any other student. I'm not going to let diabetes ruin it.
i have been so lucky so far friends wise. all of my friends know that I'm diabetic and always keep an eye on me when we are out even if i haven't asked them to. i mean, that's amazing. i actually cant describe how it feels to know people are around me who are aware of diabetes. they know that i might go high or low and can tell someone (providing they aren't too drunk...)
so tonight I'm going out and i am looking forward to it. but do you know what made my night even better? it was one of my friends, who isn't even coming with us but still thought to remind me to keep an eye on my levels and to be careful. i mean, that is simply the best feeling ever that someone thinks about the effects of diabetes on my evening but doesn't even live with it himself. it made me smile, it made me realise just how amazing he is, and it made me see just how much of an effect diabetes has on people around me even if i try not to let it.
so thanks. thanks to the people that have watched out for me, listened and tried to understand the mess that is diabetes. i can only hope that i can find equally amazing people at uni when i get there.
Wednesday 15 August 2012
what is normal?
i deal with diabetes every day. it has just become another part of my routine, just the same as getting dressed and brushing my teeth each morning and going to bed at night. its something that i do automatically the majority of the time. stabbing my fingers and sticking needles into my arms, legs and stomach is normal to me.
but then i really look at my new (well not so new anymore) life. like really look at it. stabbing my fingers to get blood 10 times every day. injecting medicine that potentially could save my limbs and sight by keeping my levels under control. counting the amount of carbs in every bit of food i eat and match the insulin dose to it. no matter which way i look at it, that isn't normal compared to everyone else around me.
its tough thinking that. its tough thinking that the life i now live isn't a normal one. sure, its normal to the entire diabetic population, but its not normal compared to my family and friends. its not normal to the majority of the population of anywhere in the world....
no wonder when i test and inject in public people stare or watch. its no wonder that people ask silly questions about whether i can eat certain things.... its simply because diabetes is a strange concept to people who don't live the same kind of life that i do.
i guess normal depends on your situation. it depends on what circumstances come into your life. it depends on how you adapt to carry on living. to put it simply there is no set normal. normal depends on the person its being applied to.
so i guess that means that yeah i do live a normal life. i live my normal life and that just happens to include testing glucose levels, injecting insulin and counting carbs.
but then i really look at my new (well not so new anymore) life. like really look at it. stabbing my fingers to get blood 10 times every day. injecting medicine that potentially could save my limbs and sight by keeping my levels under control. counting the amount of carbs in every bit of food i eat and match the insulin dose to it. no matter which way i look at it, that isn't normal compared to everyone else around me.
its tough thinking that. its tough thinking that the life i now live isn't a normal one. sure, its normal to the entire diabetic population, but its not normal compared to my family and friends. its not normal to the majority of the population of anywhere in the world....
no wonder when i test and inject in public people stare or watch. its no wonder that people ask silly questions about whether i can eat certain things.... its simply because diabetes is a strange concept to people who don't live the same kind of life that i do.
i guess normal depends on your situation. it depends on what circumstances come into your life. it depends on how you adapt to carry on living. to put it simply there is no set normal. normal depends on the person its being applied to.
so i guess that means that yeah i do live a normal life. i live my normal life and that just happens to include testing glucose levels, injecting insulin and counting carbs.
Wednesday 8 August 2012
Monday 6 August 2012
telling little by little
how young is too young to know about diabetes?
how young is too young to be able to give vital information in an emergency?
how young is too young to be able to use a meter on another person so they can get the correct treatment?
i have a 5yr old sister who i spend a lot of time with alone. over the last year i have been drip feeding her information about diabetes, about how to use my meter, about what to give me if i start being shaky or dizzy...... maybe its wrong to put a burden like that on someone so young? but her knowing things like that means that IF something happens, i know that i will be ok. i will get the treatment i need.
at first it was little things, it was 'If I look like I'm sleeping and wont wake up you need to tell a grown up.....' which then moved to, 'if i look like I'm sleeping you need to tell someone i have diabetes....' she also can test my blood sugar levels for me. this isn't actually something i taught her, but something she has picked up when watching me do it to myself. first she used to just talk it through to me while i did it, but now, sometimes i let her do it..... its a game, she loves watching the numbers appear and reading them to me (she even asks me to test her sometimes)..... although the levels have absolutely no meaning to her yet, its a step in the right direction....
then over the last few months I've started telling her about how to dial 999 in an emergency. i think that its actually quite important not only if something happens to me, but if something happens anywhere with anyone.... i consider that a life skill, and she will learn it eventually, maybe shes just learnt it earlier than most.
thing is, at 5yrs its all just a game, its a bit of fun, nothing hugely serious. i don't feel that I've done the wrong thing in telling her and i just hope that she wont need to use the things I've taught her. but it might happen. that's the thing with diabetes, there are a lot of 'what if's' and because of that, i know that because i have taught her, I'm safe. i know that she will look out for me if the worst was to happen.
how young is too young to be able to give vital information in an emergency?
how young is too young to be able to use a meter on another person so they can get the correct treatment?
i have a 5yr old sister who i spend a lot of time with alone. over the last year i have been drip feeding her information about diabetes, about how to use my meter, about what to give me if i start being shaky or dizzy...... maybe its wrong to put a burden like that on someone so young? but her knowing things like that means that IF something happens, i know that i will be ok. i will get the treatment i need.
at first it was little things, it was 'If I look like I'm sleeping and wont wake up you need to tell a grown up.....' which then moved to, 'if i look like I'm sleeping you need to tell someone i have diabetes....' she also can test my blood sugar levels for me. this isn't actually something i taught her, but something she has picked up when watching me do it to myself. first she used to just talk it through to me while i did it, but now, sometimes i let her do it..... its a game, she loves watching the numbers appear and reading them to me (she even asks me to test her sometimes)..... although the levels have absolutely no meaning to her yet, its a step in the right direction....
then over the last few months I've started telling her about how to dial 999 in an emergency. i think that its actually quite important not only if something happens to me, but if something happens anywhere with anyone.... i consider that a life skill, and she will learn it eventually, maybe shes just learnt it earlier than most.
thing is, at 5yrs its all just a game, its a bit of fun, nothing hugely serious. i don't feel that I've done the wrong thing in telling her and i just hope that she wont need to use the things I've taught her. but it might happen. that's the thing with diabetes, there are a lot of 'what if's' and because of that, i know that because i have taught her, I'm safe. i know that she will look out for me if the worst was to happen.
Saturday 4 August 2012
the DOC - my motivation
today i came back after my holiday to the isle of wight. i had a good week and it was nice to spend some time away from the stresses of everyday life. the place we stayed at also didn't have any access to the Internet so i had a week off of facebook and twitter etc.... it was nice, but without the DOC (diabetes online community) i found it extremely hard to actually bother with diabetes.
so i had a week of highs. my 7 day average on my meter is 10.6mmols..... not good seeing as normally its in the 7-8mmol range. i know where i went wrong. its all my own fault. basically i had a week where I didn't test as much, i didn't inject at all some days (on other days i might have like once?) and i ate what i wanted.
another problem i had was basically forgetting that i was diabetic..... i know that sounds silly, i expect most people will wonder how that happens when i have lived with it every day for almost 2yrs, but its possible.... when your out and you and the rest of the family are eating ice cream its easy just to carry on, forgetting that it contains carbs and because your diabetic it will spike sugar levels.... its possible when your on the beach and your kit is lying a couple of feet away, but your having a picnic and simply forget that before you tuck in you need to test and inject. but mostly, its possible when you just simply don't want to inject in public that day. you just want to sit there and eat at the same time as everyone else instead of waiting. you want to be able to eat lunch without the people staring while you inject on the beach or in the restaurant, because even if i say i don't care about the looks, i do really. its possible because in that fraction of a moment thinking about diabetes you feel very alone. you feel isolated from the rest of the world because they simply don't understand.
i know I've said it before, but unless you actually deal with diabetes every day you actually have no idea just how much of an effect it has on your life. do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to people why you HAVE to have the diet or zero options of fizzy drinks, or why you refused the sugary food yesterday but today you are eating it? no? ok, well its hard. especially when your the only one making these requests. this week as we were having lots of picnics and stuff and we had cans of fizzy drink, thing is, diet coke gets a little boring after a while (other people drink it not just me, but it was the only diet drink we had) so i asked if we could get some fanta zero or something similar so i had something different to drink.... my reply? "no, you can just fill up a bottle with squash or something.... its cheaper" so just cos my pancreas is a pain and doesn't produce enough insulin means that i don't get the same stuff as everyone else? i must admit this made me very angry and upset, especially as this came from a family member.... as it happens i did get some (after some persuasion) but i shouldn't have had to persuade them in the first place.
diabetes is a pain. its never ending, exhausting and makes you feel different. its there no matter what, whether your on holiday, sick or just wanting a break.
for me, the DOC makes diabetes far more manageable to deal with, they give me the motivation to get on with it every day, they are the ones who understand exactly how hard it is and how annoying it is to deal with other peoples ignorance. its them who make the problems that diabetes causes more like mole hills than mountains. its because of them that i test and inject and have decent levels. its because of them that I'm still coping today. they are there when i need to talk to someone no matter what time of day or night, they are there to give advice when i need it and when i simply need help to pick up the pieces when diabetes makes a mess of things. for that i am eternally grateful to them, i don't know what i would do without them...... but i have a feeling things would be very different and my control would be a lot worse.
so i had a week of highs. my 7 day average on my meter is 10.6mmols..... not good seeing as normally its in the 7-8mmol range. i know where i went wrong. its all my own fault. basically i had a week where I didn't test as much, i didn't inject at all some days (on other days i might have like once?) and i ate what i wanted.
another problem i had was basically forgetting that i was diabetic..... i know that sounds silly, i expect most people will wonder how that happens when i have lived with it every day for almost 2yrs, but its possible.... when your out and you and the rest of the family are eating ice cream its easy just to carry on, forgetting that it contains carbs and because your diabetic it will spike sugar levels.... its possible when your on the beach and your kit is lying a couple of feet away, but your having a picnic and simply forget that before you tuck in you need to test and inject. but mostly, its possible when you just simply don't want to inject in public that day. you just want to sit there and eat at the same time as everyone else instead of waiting. you want to be able to eat lunch without the people staring while you inject on the beach or in the restaurant, because even if i say i don't care about the looks, i do really. its possible because in that fraction of a moment thinking about diabetes you feel very alone. you feel isolated from the rest of the world because they simply don't understand.
i know I've said it before, but unless you actually deal with diabetes every day you actually have no idea just how much of an effect it has on your life. do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to people why you HAVE to have the diet or zero options of fizzy drinks, or why you refused the sugary food yesterday but today you are eating it? no? ok, well its hard. especially when your the only one making these requests. this week as we were having lots of picnics and stuff and we had cans of fizzy drink, thing is, diet coke gets a little boring after a while (other people drink it not just me, but it was the only diet drink we had) so i asked if we could get some fanta zero or something similar so i had something different to drink.... my reply? "no, you can just fill up a bottle with squash or something.... its cheaper" so just cos my pancreas is a pain and doesn't produce enough insulin means that i don't get the same stuff as everyone else? i must admit this made me very angry and upset, especially as this came from a family member.... as it happens i did get some (after some persuasion) but i shouldn't have had to persuade them in the first place.
diabetes is a pain. its never ending, exhausting and makes you feel different. its there no matter what, whether your on holiday, sick or just wanting a break.
for me, the DOC makes diabetes far more manageable to deal with, they give me the motivation to get on with it every day, they are the ones who understand exactly how hard it is and how annoying it is to deal with other peoples ignorance. its them who make the problems that diabetes causes more like mole hills than mountains. its because of them that i test and inject and have decent levels. its because of them that I'm still coping today. they are there when i need to talk to someone no matter what time of day or night, they are there to give advice when i need it and when i simply need help to pick up the pieces when diabetes makes a mess of things. for that i am eternally grateful to them, i don't know what i would do without them...... but i have a feeling things would be very different and my control would be a lot worse.
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