im a diabetic hoarder

ever noticed how you manage to accumulate an awful lot of diabetes supplies, but half of them are never used? well i was looking through all my stuff today and managed to find:

• 5 glucose meters (i use one and have 1 backup one so thats 3 useless meters)
• 5 finger stabbers (i only use one and have one backup so yet again, 3 are useless)
• an unopened box of 100 lancets (plus the box that im currently using)
• 2 spare novopen 4's
• 1 spare novopen 3 demi
• my novopen echo (i do use that one)
• 3 insulin pen cases
• about 15-20 spare needles which i dont use anymore
• my box of needles which i do use (these are a different kind to the spare ones)
• 3 cartridges of insulatard (dont use this anymore)
• 4 cartridges of levemir (dont use this anymore)
• 5 cartridges of novorapid (i do use those)
• several boxes of test strips (glucose and blood ketone strips)

so it got me thinking.... there must be somewhere that i can send my spare supplies so they can be used rather than wasted or destroyed. 

after asking other diabetics on facebook i was directed to a site which takes in spare supplies and sends them to 3rd world countries so that people there can get the treatment they need for free. 

some of the information on this website really shocked me and made me realise just how much we take for granted in this country. the fact that paying for insulin can cost up to 50% of a families wages means that alot of children end up in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis - a life threatening condition which can be fatal) because they cant afford the insulin they need to survive. 

one story which particularly got to me was that of a young girl who, after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, died because her father had stopped buying the insulin (knowing that it would be fatal for his child) due to the poverty which prevented him for paying for the continued cost of insulin.

but thats where this charity comes in, they collect spare supplies from diabetics around the world and supply them to families in poor countries for free, so that the children (and adults) can live a normal and healthy life. so thats what im going to do this weekend, im going to send off a load of spare injecting devices, insulin, lancets and meters so that these children have the same chance as people here. 

no one should have to choose between life and death simply due to poverty. 

if you would like further info, or would like to donate supplies here is the

website.

that nasty kinda high feeling

high blood sugar readings make you feel rubbish.... end of. i mean, feeling tired, grumpy, thirsty, fidgety and irritated isnt a pleasant combination.

but there is a difference between the normal sleepy feeling and the high sleepy feeling, the normal kinda thirsty and the high thirsty etc etc, i think you get what im saying....

so for the last few days i have been taking tablets alone to see if they will work for me.... but no, they arent.... ive been higher than average almost all the time and instead of seeing lots of numbers in range, ive been seeing quite a few which are in double figures. not good. but then these readings leave me feeling totally crap if im honest, they have made me constantly sleepy and thirsty and sick and im fed up of feeling like that. you cant even just go have a nap cos its not the right kind of tired to actually sleep and the thirst is unquenchable, i have considered on more than one occasion just drinking straight from the tap.... (only another diabetic will truely understand)

so from tonight im going back to the insulin, i would rather inject 1000 times a day than feel like this, its rubbish and people dont appreciate that.

diabetes - its one big experiment

no matter what type of diabetes you have, the treatment you receive is all basically one big experiment, they try one thing and if that doesn't work they try something else or change the dosage..... 

in type 1 you change the background dose or basal rates, you change the insulin to carb ratio, you might switch to a pump or switch from 2 injections to 4 injections a day....

in type 2 theres a whole range of treatments and dosages. they put you on one tablet, up the dose till your at the maximum, add another tablet to the mix, up that dose and then they change you on to a different tablet if it doesn't work.... then when none of the tablets are doing their job properly they shove you on insulin or other injectable treatments until they finally find what works for you.

the problem with diabetes is that it varies soo much from person to person so there cant be one set treatment to deal with it. but that then means the diabetic is on the end of alot of different trials, alot of different routines and dealing with varying sugar levels in the mix of it. 

its not very fun to say the least.

so yet again I'm in the middle of my consultant trying things out again on me, as i don't have a 'normal' type of diabetes and don't really fit nicely into a box, they have problems deciding on my treatment. 

i tried lots of different tablets last year before finally being given insulin last Sept to actually get my numbers into the range they are meant to be (4-7mmols) rather than constantly between 10-29mmols as they were last summer. 

now, for most people being put on insulin is a bad thing, but i was sooo happy to get my numbers into range that i don't really mind injecting every day, its just become part of my routine. my consultant however, has told me that injecting is just a hassle for me, and i would have a 'better quality of life' on tablets (I'm not so sure). but with tablets come side effects.... and the tablets I'm on give some particularly nasty ones :( and then they aren't keeping my levels anywhere near as controlled as i was on insulin. as my levels are running higher it means I'm tired and grumpy so I'm not enjoying my summer as much as i should now that Ive finished exams...

so now Ive got to fight the professionals again, Ive got to fight to return to the insulin that i want, Ive got to fight to get my life back and start feeling better. i hate fighting, i hate that since diagnosis at 16yrs old i have to argue with doctors just to get the treatment i need so i can prevent the complications later on in life. 

but thats what life with diabetes has become for me, its one big battle, one big experiment and its exhausting and never ending.

ITS ALL OVER!!!!!!

EXAMS ARE FINISHED!!!!! 

soooo pleased that they are finally all done, they have caused so many problems in the diabetes department of things and made me have some crazy sugar levels..... 

although, i have to say, being diabetic did come in useful today..... my last exam was biology and for this unit we study diabetes :D Ok, we don't go into much detail on the subject, but its one less thing that i have to revise seeing as i deal with it every day. so when a question came up on glucose control (in a 'normal' person) and then questions on diabetes appeared in front of me i was over the moon :)

so now I'm not so sure what to do with myself.... I've been so used to doing one exam then starting on the next exam's revision that now I'm done, i actually have no idea what to do (what did i do before exams started??).... i think first on the list is sleep, closely followed by tidying my room (AND THROWING AWAY ALL THE REVISION!!!) but i can see myself sitting in front of the rubbishy day time TV and basically enjoying life :) 

diabetes wise though, i need to sort out my routine and get into a proper one with food and injections and testing so that my levels are kinda stable once I'm at uni :) but yeah, I've got ages to do that so maybe ill give myself a bit of a break before i do that :)

I'm gunna miss college though, I'm gunna miss the total support and understanding that my friends have given me over the last 2 years. they have accepted my diabetes and have made it a laughing matter on countless occasions which has allowed me to accept it and come to terms more with living with it on a day to day basis

yes im diabetic, do you really need to watch?

today i had an exam.... that's my 7th one this summer (I'm finally getting there with them!!)

like always, i like to check my sugar levels about half way through just to check I'm not too high or low so i can concentrate.... so that's what i did, but this time i was sat right at the front of the exam hall (i hate that anyway) which meant i had invigilators watching me.....

so i pulled my meter towards me, grabbed a strip and stabbed my finger.... just like always. but this time out the corner of my eye i could see one invigilator fidgeting and shifting her position so that she could see what i was doing.... was pretty funny as she obviously hadn't read her notes saying that I'm diabetic and have my glucose meter with me (it can be mistaken for a phone) but i carried on and didn't look at her.... then after i finished testing i grabbed the lucozade and started having a bit (i wasn't low but i was lower than i would have liked) by this point she was giving me really odd looks wondering what i was doing..... mind you, she gave me odd looks when i put 2 bottles of drink on my desk at the beginning (lucozade and water) ah well, i taught her what a diabetics glucose meter looks like today... i guess it was worth the weird looks :D

who is the real professional?

we, as people living with diabetes or someone who has diabetes, are considered to be almost mini experts on the subject of it.... we live with it 24/7 365 days a year so why shouldn't we be? 

then theres the endocrinologist and dsn, they are also considered experts because they have degrees and training in the art of diabetes control.... so they can be called experts too cant they?

personally i don't feel that anyone can consider themselves an expert in diabetes. i might be an expert in caring for my own diabetes but because the disease differs from one person to another that doesn't make me an expert in someone else's diabetes.... 

and that's the same for the endos and the dsns.... they might know everything they can learn from a textbook and case studies about adjusting insulin and keeping blood sugars in check, but the majority of them don't live with diabetes on a day to day basis so don't and cant have any real life practise in using those techniques.

so the question still stands... who is the diabetes expert?

i think to be an expert at diabetes we have to work together, we have to share experiences and remember that there is ALWAYS something new we can learn.... 

a diabetic cant be an expert without the help of the d team and the d teams cant be experts without the diabetics... its like a puzzle that we all have a piece of, we can only complete the picture if we work together.... 

we will all be experts in the art of diabetes and beating its silly blood sugar games :)

am i a bad diabetic?

i havent actually eaten this recently....

I've got a confession to make.... the last few days i haven't been doing things as i should, i haven't been taking my injections when i eat and haven't been calculating the carbs properly for meals.......

i know its bad, i don't need lectures, but there are times when life takes hold and diabetes takes a back seat. I'm in the middle of the oh so wonderful exam period at the moment and with revising (9 a-level exams is a lot to revise for), comes snacking.... its surprising how much you can eat just through snacks.... but then as I'm snacking theres no fixed time to take the insulin to cover what I'm eating and theres no set times for sugar checks..... normally i do both before meals and often test again after the meal.

then theres the actual exams themselves, stress does strange things to my body and sometimes i go low, sometimes high and other times i stay fine.... so to try and prevent the sugar swings i test, test and test again and then adjust and correct with sugar and insulin.... I've got through soooo many test strips with the exams alone and my fingers are starting to rebel against all the stabbing for blood :/

but back to what I've been doing wrong..... all this snacking and guessing insulin doses has actually meant quite a few blood sugar swings going from high to low meaning that i cant concentrate properly to do the revision. i can hear what people are thinking, 'why don't you just do things properly then?' but its not that simple, when I'm revising with friends, they can quite easily work through lunch without a care in the world, they might be a bit hungry but it doesn't matter... if i work through lunch its a different matter, it means that my sugar levels will drop too low and mean i HAVE to stop what I'm doing which isn't good.... so instead i sit and eat my lunch over the course of a couple of hours (while i revise) and inject for it somewhere in the middle when my sugars start going up... it doesn't work though and my levels still go up before plummeting :/

sometimes i just wanna act like everyone else and feel 'normal' and forget about diabetes while i carry on with my life and sort out my future, but then, it doesn't work that way, i have to remember that my diabetes needs to be looked after, it likes having a set routine and things to be done properly... a bit like a small child really.... and when things aren't done the way that they should be, diabetes throws tantrums, it makes my levels weird and makes me feel rubbish.....

i think I've learnt my lesson this time, i think that from now on I'm going to try really hard to keep doing things the way they should be done.... i know i will slip up from time to time but i need to do this, i need to make sure that i do everything possible to prevent all those future complications which will restrict my life even more than diabetes does.... 

so heres to being a good diabetic :D 

diabetes week day 4 - know the signs

did you know that type 1 diabetes is 5x more common than meningitis?

did you know that there are 1,000,000 people in the UK with undiagnosed type 2 diabetes?

do you know the signs to look for in a child with type 1 diabetes or someone with type 2 diabetes? no? 

symptoms of type 1 diabetes start showing themselves over the period of a few weeks... whereas the symptoms of type 2 diabetes tend to appear over a few years.

the main symptoms for both types are:

• unquenchable thirst
• tiredness
• rapid weight loss (type 1 mainly)
• needing to go to the toilet frequently
• frequent infections

all it takes to diagnose diabetes is one finger prick test, if you suspect diabetes visit your GP and insist on having a test done..... 

its easy to put the symptoms of diabetes down to other causes, i know i did..... i thought i was drinking more because it was summer (and going to the toilet more because i was drinking more), i thought i was tired from the stress of doing GCSE's, i thought the infections were to do with picking a bug up from my trip to Tanzania...... i NEVER imagined that they were all due to one thing and that thing would be diabetes.... 

so know the signs, raise awareness and hopefully we can work together to prevent the deaths and complications that undiagnosed diabetes can cause

here is JDRF (juvenile diabetes research foundation) and Diabetes UK's type 1 awareness video :)

diabetes week day 3 - add it up

I've had diabetes for 1year, 9months and 5days....

it doesn't seem too long but that's:

• 643 days
• 15432 hours
• 925920 minutes

i know i haven't had it the longest but that is still a long amount of time to be dealing with a chronic illness 24/7

in this time:

6430 - the number of times I've stabbed my fingers to test sugar levels

730 - the amount of tablets i took within my first year of diabetes

1112 - how many times I've injected since Sept 2011 (when i was put on insulin)

10 - the amount of times I've sat shaking with nerves waiting to see my consultant

15 - how many times they have taken bottles of blood from my arm

300 - that's how many glucose tablets I've eaten and

20 - the bottles of lucozade drunk to make my sugar come back up to normal range

32.4 - the highest my sugar level has ever been, that's 6x what it should be

1.2 - the lowest my levels have dropped, this almost caused me to go unconscious (that's a fifth of what it should be)

diabetes is a full time job, it demands attention 24/7 every single day. it doesn't give you a break, it doesn't leave you alone when you go to college or work, it doesn't give you a day off for Christmas or birthdays, it doesn't just let you have one decent nights sleep. it is here for life, people don't realise how serious diabetes can be and how much you have to do to keep it under control. 

diabetes isn't just testing and injecting or taking tablets, its counting carbohydrates, its balancing insulin and exercise, its figuring out why you are feeling sick or dizzy, its countless doctors appointments and prescriptions, its taking things one day at a time because things that work one day wont work the next.

diabetes week day 2 - word on your hand

so i thought this video was quite interesting.... having diabetes can cause all sorts of thoughts and feelings for the person with it and the people surrounding them. have a watch and see what you think :) 

diabetes week day 1 - What is diabetes?

diabetes is a complex illness, there are many types under the one heading of diabetes and they all have very different causes and treatments.

Type 1 diabetes

this is an autoimmune disease where the insulin producing cells in the pancreas are killed off (usually over a few months or weeks). a person with type one diabetes doesn't produce ANY insulin and has to take insulin through either injections or a pump (a device which constantly puts insulin into the body)

a person with type one diabetes COULDN'T have prevented getting the disease and no one really knows what makes the immune system destroy the pancreas cells. type one has NOTHING to do with diet or eating too many sweets and as long as they take the correct amounts of insulin and keep an eye on their sugar levels they can eat what they like and live normal lives

This type is mainly diagnosed in childhood but some adults are also diagnosed with type 1 diabetes

there is currently NO cure and the person with it will have to take insulin injections for the rest of their life to stay alive!

Type 2 diabetes

This is usually a metabolic disease, it occurs when the pancreas doesn't produce enough insulin or the insulin that is produced isn't used properly by the body. a person with type 2 diabetes is usually treated with tablets, diet and exercise (although some people will need insulin injections)

this is the type of diabetes that is usually mentioned in the media, although unlike what they say, type 2 isn't CAUSED by being overweight or by a poor diet, these are risk factors associated with getting it (just like smoking is a risk factor of lung cancer) 

a person with type 2 hasn't chosen to get diabetes and they will have it for the rest of their lives as there is no cure (type 2 diabetes can be reversed to being controlled by diet and exercise but the person will always be diabetic)

Gestational diabetes

this type of diabetes occurs during pregnancy and usually disappears after the baby is born. just like any other type of diabetes, if it is uncontrolled during the pregnancy it can be fatal for the baby or cause serious complications.

LADA (latent autoimmune diabetes of adults) or type 1.5

this is a slower progressing form of type 1 diabetes and can take years for the insulin producing cells to be completely killed off. this type is usually found in people over the age of 25 and although it can sometimes be controlled with tablets to start with, it will eventually need to be controlled by insulin injections as the pancreas will stop producing insulin

MODY (maturity onset diabetes of the young)

this type is caused by a mutation on specific insulin producing genes. this type is fairly rare and is passed down through families so people with this type cant prevent getting it. MODY tends to start 'kicking in' in adolescence (the pancreas produces enough insulin through childhood and the mutation only starts having an effect during adolescence) 

MODY is usually treated by tablets, diet and exercise, although some people will need insulin injections

Someone who has this type has a 50% chance of passing on the mutation to their children.

there are other types of diabetes and aspects of diabetes which combine with these types to make sugar levels harder to control..... its not as simple as just testing and injecting

constantly adjusting

so i was out driving today and the person who was with me mentioned that when driving you are always adjusting what you are doing to fit the road and any situations that occur so that they have the minimum impact on you.

this got me thinking, with diabetes you are constantly adjusting things to make sure your levels are ok to do the things you want to do and eat the things you want to eat...... we see that our levels are dropping so we eat to make sure they stay high enough then when they start going too high we take extra insulin to bring them back down. then theres the adjustments of insulin doses if we are going to be more or less active or if we are ill.

diabetes means that we are constantly looking ahead to deal with whats coming and adjusting so that we are prepared for what hits us.... sometimes its not possible to see whats gunna happen and our levels play up according to the situation, after all being a pancreas is pretty difficult so your not always going to be perfect.....

tomorrow is the start of diabetes week, so I'm gunna put some facts right and dispel the myths that come with diabetes :)

moving on

in life we always have to move on from one thing to another, when we are babies we move from milk to solid food, when we are 4yrs old we move from nursery school to primary school, then we move from there to secondary school and we continue going until we end up being where we want to be. for some people this can take many years, some it only takes a few and others will never reach their goals.....

in September I'm planning on moving to uni to do teaching (maths)... its going to be a whole new experience for me and i don't know how its going to affect my diabetes. i mean Ive got soo many things in place to lessen the impact of the d on my studies but theres still room for my levels to play havoc with what i need to do.

diabetes wise, in the last 2 years, I've gone from having a fully working pancreas, to needing metformin and gliclazide, then i moved onto no tablets for a while before trialing sitagliptin which didn't work so i started on insulin..... at first i was on 2 injections (insulatard) and now I'm on 4 per day (novorapid and levemir). my levels are still pretty hectic sometimes with the insulin but i am now more controlled and a lot happier than i was on tablets (even if i do have to inject now)

all of these changes have impacted my a-levels a great deal and last year i didn't get the best AS grades due to constant high levels.... but now I'm getting there, I'm moving on and I'm getting ready to make my mark on the world :)

thankful

although diabetes is a really nasty thing to have and i often hate it with a passion there are times that I'm really thankful that i did get diagnosed with it. that might sound strange and you might think I'm weird but sometimes you have to look at the positives of what you've been given :)

firstly i think the biggest thing I'm thankful to diabetes for is all of the friends i have made. when your diagnosed diabetic its quite easy to think that you are the only one dealing with it but when you actually open your eyes and look you realise how many people out there are going through the same things as you..... i have come across at least 3 people at the same college, 3 members of my family and at least 2 other children who i have worked with who are all diabetic.... if that wasn't enough i have also managed to come across the DOC (diabetes online community) i have been part of that now for about 18months and they feel like family to me, they are always there if I'm having a tough day and need to get myself back on track, they are there in the middle of the night when I'm low and need someone to talk to, they are there every day and they understand what i am going through which is lovely to know. 

next I'm grateful for diabetes making me more independent. before i was diagnosed i refused to ring people whether that be doctors, companies or even family..... however, seeing as i was 16 at diagnosis the doctors refused to give my mum my test results to confirm whether i was diabetic or not (patient confidentiality, over 16's are treated like adults), i had to do it and from there my journey to independence began.... i now sort all of my own doctors appointments, blood tests, consultant and eye appointments, sharps box collections and also ringing the companies who supply my meter if theres ever anything i need replaced..... it might not seem much but this has helped me a great deal with now having to sort out my university placements and accommodation :)

i am thankful for the organisation skills that diabetes has forced upon me. every day i need to remember my insulin, meter, hypo treatments, needles, test strips and pricker as well as any college books or items that i need to give to someone.... and although there are days that i do forget to bring something, i am now a lot more organised than i used to be. i now pack my bag the night before so that i know i have remembered everything and i also keep spare supplies at college..... also, i have to be organised with my prescription making sure i have enough supplies to see me through the weekend (especially the bank holiday ones)

i am now more aware of my health and listen to my body more..... i used to just ignore health problems until they were really serious and i didn't used to think about my diet because my own body dealt with what i ate so i didn't have to think about carb values. i also now have to think about how my body is feeling more..... am i feeling tired because my sugars are high or just because i didn't sleep enough? am i feeling shaky because I'm low or because I'm nervous? its simple things like that that make me think about how my body is feeling and the possible causes behind it.....

I'm thankful that i was diagnosed in the UK so that i can get free health care and prescriptions... if i was in another country i would have to pay for this and in some of the poorer places there isn't even the necessary treatment to stay alive....

finally I'm grateful that it was diabetes that i was diagnosed with..... yes diabetes is a nasty illness, but there are much worse things out there. i am soo thankful that this is a disease that can be treated successfully and fairly easily (compared to others).... i sit and watch programs about sick children and feel lucky that it was only diabetes.... i will live to a decent age, i will be able to stay at home to get treatment, i know that every day i don't look 'sick' and that i can lead a normal life

so thank you diabetes. i am thankful for you coming to stay i just wish that sometimes you would play fair :)

diabetes technology, you either love it or you hate it

a few weeks back i got the new freestyle insulinx meter to help with calculating my insulin doses so i had one less thing to think about at meal times..... i was really impressed with it when i first got it but now I'm not so sure.

dont get me wrong, its an excellent meter and i love that its really modern with its touch screen, it even has backlight and light near the test strip which has come in useful with night testing however, like every piece of electronic equipment it has its drawbacks....

today i went to calculate the amount of insulin i needed for my snack, i tested (9.1mmols) and then i input the amount of carbs i was eating (23g) and it calculated my dose.... now, for 23g of carbs that's 2u of insulin, for that sugar level i add 1u to bring me back into my range so that's a total of 3u, does that make sense? 

however, my meter was telling me to give 2u? for some reason my meter has decided that I've got active insulin in my system and need to knock off a unit to compensate. i would normally agree, although i DIDN'T HAVE ANY ACTIVE INSULIN!! so after this and several other incidents similar to this I'm going to go back to my bog standard meter which doesn't calculate insulin for me, i trust it and it works for me....

anyway, back to the point, i think with all of these new diabetes products designed to make our lives easier we have to be a little cautious, especially when they are very new and haven't been out long.... one day we will all have amazingly high tech products sorting out insulin and checking our levels without any input from us but for now i think ill do it myself, at least then i know that the amount i inject has been sorted and that any miscalculations are my own doing rather than down to a machine

hypos hypos everywhere

had quite a few hypos recently compared to normal (i reckon i need shares in lucozade with the amount i get through)..... I've had mild ones of 3.7mmols, I've had a couple of nasty shaky ones and tonight i had a 1.9 which completely took me by surprise.... i felt fine and apart from a darkish floaty thing in my right eye i had no signs of being low (i even checked the result 3 times on 2 different meters to make sure)

its these hypos that terrify me the most, the ones where i haven't noticed, the ones that could go completely unnoticed until it is too late. its these ones that could ultimately mean that i don't live. people don't seem to realise the seriousness of a hypo and how important it is for the person having one to eat immediately, I've had a couple of times when I've asked someone to get me a sugary drink and they've taken their time in doing so meaning that my levels drop further. 

so for the next 3 days I'm working, I'm far more active at work as I'm running around after children and don't get much chance to sit down which almost always leads to a hypo mid afternoon..... sometimes i catch these early with regular checks but other times (if I'm really busy) i don't catch it till I'm a shaking mess (not good when you work with children) this doesn't make me incapable of doing my job though, I'm sensible and carry around glucose all the time, my boss is aware that I'm diabetic and they have instructions to follow through if something goes wrong..... it lets me relax a bit knowing that I'm fairly safe. 

unfortunately life isn't always going to be like that, when i move out to go to uni in Sept I'm going to have to show my friends how to check my levels if I'm unable to, I'm going to have to teach them the signs of a low so that they can spot it even if i cant and more than anything else i will have to be able to trust them with my life if something goes seriously wrong! from Sept I'm going to make sure that those around me are aware and know what to do.... that will be my responsibility. after uni, what happens when i get my own place to live? what if i don't have anyone living with me? that's going to be a whole new situation which i will deal with if the time comes... 

for now I'm going to take things one hypo at a time and find my way through. i will get there and all will be good :)

You fall down and pick yourself back up again...

i know I'm not perfect when it comes to diabetes, even if i would really like it to seem like i am. i skip insulin doses, i forget to test and sometimes i just eat whatever i want even if my blood sugar is high. i know that this is quite often stupid, but sometimes i love the feeling of being 'normal', i love the fact that even for that tiny moment i can feel like every other person my age (it only lasts a while though till the sugar kicks in and makes my levels really high) 

for me, there are times when i cant face dealing with it anymore on my own. i might be 18 but i still want someone there to sort it all out for me and take the responsibility off my shoulders from time to time. there are times when i want someone to just give me a hug and tell me that its all gunna be ok, even if at that moment in time it feels like it never will. sometimes when i put on a brave face i just want someone to look at me and realise that I'm not ok and i just need someone to listen to me without judging. but i think what i want most is someone there who may not totally understand, but is willing to learn, someone who will look past the bruises and lumps from injecting, someone who doesn't care that my fingers are covered in holes and sees me for me, not for my diabetes, after all, I'm a person with diabetes, not diabetes with a person

the last few days I've been fighting myself. i have been having one of those times when i don't want to do it anymore, so i ignore it. i don't bother with anything i should do even though i know I'm doing myself harm with the high levels. anyone who doesn't deal with it themselves probably thinks I'm pretty stupid right now, i mean why do something if you know its gunna harm you? i would love to answer that, but i simply cant... there are no words to describe how i feel at times like this and the only people who truly understand are those going through a something similar.

so now I've gotta pick myself back up again, i need to get back on top of the diabetes so that I'm back in control. its hard but its gotta be done and it will only be done with the support from others, whether thats my friends, my family or the DOC (diabetes online community) i will get there.....  one day i will be able to do this for the final time and i will have total control of this beast of a disease, but until then i will continue to fall and pick myself back up again

you know your diabetic when....

i thought it would be fun to write so here's a list of things :)

you know your diabetic (or have a diabetic in the house) when:

• you can find test strips EVERYWHERE...... i really mean everywhere, i find them in pockets, my bed, my bag and on the desk, down the side of the sofa.... the list is endless
• you can use phrases like 'im high' without your parents freaking out..... although saying it in public can cause problems
• you have to stock all kinds of sugary foods and drinks to treat hypos with and they cant be eaten by anyone (other than the diabetic) no matter how nice they are
• your vocabulary list increases..... stuff like endocrinologist, hba1c, glucagon, hypoglycemia, hyperglycemia, pancreas, insulin, beta cells.....
• your bag is HUGE...... you cant fit all the diabetes supplies and snacks into a small bag, quite a problem when your going out for the night and need to fit everything (test strips, meter, insulin, glucose tablets, needles etc) into a clutch
• 3am alarms are normal..... testing sugar levels at 3am after a night out or if your having a lot of hypos is common when diabetic, they don't half suck though
• the doctors, nurses and pharmacists know you...... always a bonus if you forgot to do your prescription and need them to do an emergency one for you :)
• homework, bed sheets and most other stuff has red spots or smudges from when you test your levels and your finger wont stop bleeding :/ 
• you have a hypo in the night and destroy the kitchen in the process of raising your sugar levels..... which is then found the next morning and needs to be sorted

little bit longer and I'll be fine :)

so as most people know, Nick Jonas is a type 1 diabetic and has written a song about it..... 

Got the news today
Doctors said i had to stay
A little bit longer and i'll be fine

When i thought it'd all be done
When I thought it'd all been said
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.

But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow
You don't even know, know, know.
You don't even know.

All this time goes by
Still no reason why
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.

Waitin' on a cure
But none of them are sure
A little bit longer and I'll be fine

But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow
You dont even know, know, know
You dont even know, know, know.
You dont even know, no.

And you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
Don't know what it's like to feel so low, yeah!
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow,
You dont even know! no! yeah! woah!

So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.
All the highs and lows are gone
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
I'll be... fine

I was listening to it today and it still catches me every time, more often than not a tear (or several) still fall by the end when he says about finding a cure and all the highs and lows being gone. 

im not sure what i would do if a cure became available, ive spent the last 2yrs getting used to diabetes and if it was to suddenly disappear tomorrow i think i would have a really hard time coming to terms with it. i know that i dont like diabetes but it is such a big part of my life that if it just disappeared then i think i would be lost, testing and injecting is just part of my everyday routine and i would probably find myself reaching for my test kit and insulin with meals then realising that i dont have to do it anymore..... of course, i and every other diabetic would adjust eventually, just like we did when we were first diagnosed.

i think that every diabetic can relate to the song though, i take every day as it comes and when things get tough i do tell myself that ive just gotta wait a little bit longer till things will be ok again. then theres the parts where hes saying about how you dont know what you have until its gone.... i dont think i knew what the pancreas even did before i got diabetes and i definitely didnt appreciate what it does every day, its tough having to be a pancreas (the real one or a stand in one until the cure is found) thats another lesson ive learnt from diabetes, appreciate what youve got.... no matter how big or small, this could always be worse