laying my cards on the table

its time to lay my cards on the table. show people exactly whats going on. accept that this is me and it needs to change... people can judge if they want, but this is me.... the real me

high levels.... I've had so many of them recently.... its my own fault, i know that. i know i haven't been taking care of diabetes at all,  I've injected sometimes, tested sometimes but never enough.... I've wanted to forget and leave it behind to allow me to be me.... 

but that's not possible... not taking care of diabetes means i get high levels. it means i run in the teens all day long. it means that my mind is totally screwed up right now. it means that ultimately everything i have now could be totally ruined and it would be all my fault, my job, my relationship, my friends, my degree, my whole world could be totally flipped upside down if i don't sort this out now.... tonight i almost screwed up the best thing that's in my life at the moment. high levels meant that tonight i over reacted to something that wasn't even what i thought it was.... that's totally my fault... if i had tried to control the d, maybe i wouldn't have reacted the way i did, i wouldn't have put the best part of my life on the line tonight

i need help. its time i admitted that to myself. time i remembered that I'm not alone in doing this. time i realised that people are there and i wouldn't be a burden if i actually asked for some help. that's a big thing for me, I've never asked for help cos i don't want to waste peoples time when they could be helping others..... its now that i realise that i need and deserve the help too...

i should talk to my dsn about my mental health. its not something i like to talk about to anyone. it makes me feel vulnerable and different, i see mental health as something private that i should deal with alone. but the reality is that I've probably got depression and I've probably had it more than a little while. its not gunna disappear like i hoped, I'm gunna need help. that's even harder to take in. I've tried for so long to fight a diagnosis of it, but now i need to surrender and accept the help i can get. people don't realise that i was in counselling not so long ago. they don't realise that I've got marks on my body from the lowest points in my life when self harming was the only answer. people don't know that there are times I've overdosed on insulin cos i just couldn't carry on anymore..... I've hidden a whole side of me that I've not wanted people to judge, not wanted people to see or treat me differently for.... but to sort this out, i need to accept that as part of me, part of my past and not my future....

i need to finally accept diabetes as part of me rather than the enemy. i need to get it under control once again so that i can lead my life how i should be leading it. no more risking complications, no more feeling rubbish and pushing people away... its time to embrace it and take control.... i know it will take time and all that i can ask for is patience from the people in my life right now.... but i will get there. i have to get there

so theres my cards all laid out for people to see.... its time i stopped hiding.

terrified

i cant describe the exact feeling of a low, there are no words... 

all i can do is say the effects it has on me... the emotions, the physical effects. 


but there is no way to properly describe it so people understand.... the only way to understand is to experience it yourself...

they make me feel so vulnerable. its like being a small child again, they make me realise that life is so fragile and can be lost in a matter of moments.

lows scare me. in fact, scared doesn't even cover it.... they terrify me. what if my levels don't go up? what if i collapse? what if no one finds me and its too late? what if.....?? that's the problem with lows, theres always the unpredictability of them.... 

today i had a hypo. one which wasn't caused by too much insulin, one which wasn't expected or explainable.... i simply went low after i had been at work all day... i didn't even have any insulin in my system, no background, no rapid.... nothing. 

i wasn't prepared... i didn't have any long acting carbs... i didn't have enough strips... i didn't have enough hypo treatments with me..... 

i was scared. i was alone. i was on the brink of tears knowing that the one time I'm not ready for the worst... it happened. 

the biggest problem was that i was about to drive.... i had one testing strip left, no long acting carbs and less than one bottle of lucozade to sort it.... i know that when i drove home i was breaking almost every rule that i said id stick to when i got my license. 

I'm meant to wait 45mins after a hypo before i drive again.... i barely waited 5mins. I'm meant to test before i drive AND have a level above 5mmol.... my meter said 3.4 when i tested, but I'm sure i was waay lower... i don't know if i was above 4 let alone 5 by the time i started driving... and i said that id always carry enough treatments with me in case the worst did happen.... 

maybe i should see this as a reminder that i need to get myself sorted and start doing it all properly... i will eventually.... its just gunna take some time... lets just hope that nothing like this happens again in the meantime

and another one bites the dust

thats another 5L sharps bin filled.... 

to me a sharps bin isnt just somewhere to chuck my needles and test strips once ive used them.

to me its days worth of struggles and successes

its the feelings of failure and wanting to give up

its another few months worth of injections and blood tests

its countless vials of insulin used to try and keep me healthy

its my battle and journey with diabetes
its the medical side of my life which i hate showing to the outside world
its the one thing that stands big and bright saying that what i do each day isnt meant to be normal.

it takes me a few months to fill a sharps box normally (although its taken longer to fill this one up...) so for me it shows the time thats gone by

you can almost see how my treatment has changed, how ive changed the meter or needles i use... how the amount of tests i now do has decreased dramatically...

it represents the fight thats taken place within the last year to find out what type i really am.

it shows that this stupid disease still hasnt been cured... 

so now to get a new one and start again. just like i will for a long time yet....