im not giving up

over the last few weeks I've been slowly watching my blog views go up... its nice to see that people are visiting my blog even though i haven't been posting much.

I've been meaning to post for a while but the effort has just been too much for me, I've been too busy, too tired and too burnout by diabetes to be able to do that.

i saw the consultant almost 2 weeks ago.... again it was a pointless appointment and left me feeling worse than i was before i saw him.

i finally built up the courage to ask for help with my mental health, i finally told a medical professional that i am struggling and skipping blood tests and injections.

he didn't listen

i told him about the responsibilities i hold at home.... he told me to just drop those responsibilities

i told him about the stress at uni.... he told me to just take a break from it

i told him about the lack of testing and injecting.... he told me that it doesn't matter because the high levels wont do any damage and that he doesn't want me on insulin anyway

and to top it off he said that unless I'm willing to go on a mood management course (which i would go to if it didn't interfere with uni) theres nothing else he can do to help with my mental health.

he didn't realise how frustrating all of that was

i cant just drop responsibilities at home, doing so would have much bigger consequences which would tear the family apart.

i cant just take a break from uni, if i don't turn up to the majority of my lectures i fail my degree. simple as that.

and I've said to him I'm not going on any more tablets, i don't want the side effects that they cause... plus, every high level i have IS causing damage, its just not noticeable yet...

i was pretty much in tears before i had even left the room.

i have now reached the point where i think it would probably be easier to just not bother seeing him anymore and not talking about my mental health if that's the sort of reaction I'm going to have.

however... I'm seeing the diabetic specialist nurse and the diabetes dietitian in a few weeks time and because of that I'm pulling together every ounce of energy i can find and trying harder to keep on top of my levels and insulin doses... and when i get back to uni i am going to be asking for more help with my mental health... i wont let that experience make me give up getting help

now I'm slowly pulling the control back to me rather than diabetes, I'm testing and injecting more, I'm trying to record it all and I'm not letting it get on top of me so much

i can do this