change

as I've started uni I've also swapped diabetes team to one closer to where i am now. tomorrow is going to be the first time i see my new consultant. 

I'm terrified. 

i hate going to see the consultant anyway, but this time its almost worse. this time i don't know what to expect. this time I've got to go back over everything I've fought for over the last 2yrs. this time i just want to get some help.

over the last 2yrs i have got so used to doing it all myself that its now difficult to ask for and accept help from the professionals. but now i need help. i need help sorting these levels out so that i can start feeling more normal... 

today i uploaded all the results from my meter.... this is what the graph looks like :/

now. that's not good at all. see that grey strip? that's where all the dots are meant to be.... stats wise, only 26% of my readings are in target (4-9mmols) and my average sugar level is 11.9. 

some of it is my fault. its my fault for not taking insulin for a while... its my fault for not carb counting like i should.,..... but theres some of this that's not my fault, like the times that I've taken more than enough insulin for a meal, but my levels are still high afterwards. like the times i have a small snack (~10g of carbs) and my levels shoot over 10mmols. that's not my fault

so tomorrow i need to talk about this to the consultant. i need a solution for whats going on. i need to tell them how I'm not coping with it particularly well (whether this happens or not is a little dodgy, but it needs to be done) but most of all i need to be able to trust them to help and support me. i need to lower the walls I've surrounded myself with regarding diabetes and let them see whats going on.

I'm nervous, but hopefully this will be the first step towards a positive change in my diabetes care.