moving through the darkness

its all been a bit up and down these last few weeks... in life and in my diabetes management....


taking insulin has been a bit on and off.... one minute I'm doing it all then the next I'm not at all. it has depended on my mood and how much stress I'm under at the time.... I've started to notice that when i cant control whats going on in my life or things are particularly bad, i take it out on my diabetes as its one thing that i have total control over.... its not good that i do this, and i know i need to talk to someone to try and get out of this loop as its doing me so much harm. but that's hard and I'm not quite ready yet. 

i saw the dietitian yesterday to do carb counting and yet again I've been left to sort myself out by the professionals. she started off by going through everything like I'm stupid.... then i pointed out that I'm doing a maths degree so can do the maths side of things then that was it. she just gave me a few booklets, asked if i had any questions and left me to it.... no saying that i could ring if i needed help or a follow up appointment to see how i get on. i left there and burst into tears on the way home. right now i need help, i asked for support with carb counting and i didn't really get it. yet again I've been left to sort it out when i really don't know what to do. 

so I've given up. I've given up with professionals and trying to get help. I've given up trying to control my levels. I've given up with getting angry when diabetes when it doesn't play fair. I've given up with fighting for supplies that i need. i just don't care anymore. 

but still. i don't get a choice. i just get on with it as per usual. maybe one day things will get easier, but until then i will just have to keep moving through the darkness that is my life