laying my cards on the table

its time to lay my cards on the table. show people exactly whats going on. accept that this is me and it needs to change... people can judge if they want, but this is me.... the real me

high levels.... I've had so many of them recently.... its my own fault, i know that. i know i haven't been taking care of diabetes at all,  I've injected sometimes, tested sometimes but never enough.... I've wanted to forget and leave it behind to allow me to be me.... 

but that's not possible... not taking care of diabetes means i get high levels. it means i run in the teens all day long. it means that my mind is totally screwed up right now. it means that ultimately everything i have now could be totally ruined and it would be all my fault, my job, my relationship, my friends, my degree, my whole world could be totally flipped upside down if i don't sort this out now.... tonight i almost screwed up the best thing that's in my life at the moment. high levels meant that tonight i over reacted to something that wasn't even what i thought it was.... that's totally my fault... if i had tried to control the d, maybe i wouldn't have reacted the way i did, i wouldn't have put the best part of my life on the line tonight

i need help. its time i admitted that to myself. time i remembered that I'm not alone in doing this. time i realised that people are there and i wouldn't be a burden if i actually asked for some help. that's a big thing for me, I've never asked for help cos i don't want to waste peoples time when they could be helping others..... its now that i realise that i need and deserve the help too...

i should talk to my dsn about my mental health. its not something i like to talk about to anyone. it makes me feel vulnerable and different, i see mental health as something private that i should deal with alone. but the reality is that I've probably got depression and I've probably had it more than a little while. its not gunna disappear like i hoped, I'm gunna need help. that's even harder to take in. I've tried for so long to fight a diagnosis of it, but now i need to surrender and accept the help i can get. people don't realise that i was in counselling not so long ago. they don't realise that I've got marks on my body from the lowest points in my life when self harming was the only answer. people don't know that there are times I've overdosed on insulin cos i just couldn't carry on anymore..... I've hidden a whole side of me that I've not wanted people to judge, not wanted people to see or treat me differently for.... but to sort this out, i need to accept that as part of me, part of my past and not my future....

i need to finally accept diabetes as part of me rather than the enemy. i need to get it under control once again so that i can lead my life how i should be leading it. no more risking complications, no more feeling rubbish and pushing people away... its time to embrace it and take control.... i know it will take time and all that i can ask for is patience from the people in my life right now.... but i will get there. i have to get there

so theres my cards all laid out for people to see.... its time i stopped hiding.