two days

I'm two days in to trying to control diabetes again and I'm struggling to keep going already...

my levels have been so much better.... Ive only seen one or two highs on my meter (i know I've been spiking after meals though) and my mood and concentration have been better than normal.... i mean yesterday i managed to concentrate not only through my lecture, but also enough to actually do some work in the afternoon too.... that's a big thing for me.... normally i can only do one or the other

but despite the good results, I'm still finding it really really hard to keep going... its just taking so much energy to carry on with the testing and injecting.

its hard to keep the motivation and keep positive. its hard to make sure i inject when, if I'm totally honest, I've had enough of needles and sticking them in my body. its hard to carry on smiling like I'm okay even though I'm totally exhausted. its hard to be how i normally am with friends and socialising when all i really wanna do is curl up in the corner and not say anything to anyone. its hard to put into words how this makes me feel, so far people around me don't know I've been struggling and i haven't said that I'm gunna need help or support or that I'm gunna need to be pushed to keep on top of this.... i still need to do that.

i really am determined to do it though this time, i really do need to get on top of it. i don't want complications in the future.... i don't wanna regret not controlling it now when I'm hooked up to a dialysis machine or legally blind in 30yrs time.... i don't wanna be wheelchair bound from multiple amputations meaning i cant be a proper mum to my children in the future. ultimately i don't wanna be a burden on anyone for any reason, especially not because i chose to ignore diabetes. 

I'm not just doing this for me anymore.... I'm doing this for the people i love and care about.