letting diabetes take a back seat

diabetes is hard. it is there every minute of every hour of every. single. day. there is no escaping it.... it can consume your every thought, your every action and every ounce of energy that you have. sometimes you just need to let it take a back seat, let yourself be like everyone else again.... sometimes you need to loosen the grip diabetes has on you and give yourself a break. 



it feels good to relax a bit and enjoy life, to not be ruled by a chronic illness. 


so that's what i do :) occasionally (more often than i should) i relax a bit more, i still test, i still inject, but if there's a high number, so what? life is too short to worry about one or two numbers that are out of range..... 


yesterday i went to the beach with friends, it was amazing and i had a great time..... my levels ran high pretty much all day but i didn't care. all that mattered was that i was having a good time with amazing people. i ate what everyone else did. i swam in the sea just like everyone else. i played games, ran around and watched the sun set without a second thought to diabetes... in short, i was normal. i had the sort of day that most people take for granted..... yeah i still had to stab my fingers and inject while onlookers stared, but once my test kit and insulin were away, that was it, diabetes gone.....


diabetes still causes problems and makes me feel rubbish, it still needs to be taken care of.... but to me its important to take a break from the constant strain it brings.... it is still there to deal with another day so sometimes i simply let it take a back seat to the rest of my life :)

summer at last!

well the summer holidays are finally here, they seem to have arrived quite quickly but slowly at the same time. September 2011 seems a million years ago, but then at the same time i have no idea where the last year has gone.


so much has happened, and i cant believe that less than a year ago i wasn't even on insulin, i had readings constantly in the teens and twenties and i was fighting for the treatment i needed. a year ago i wasn't in a good state of mind, it was a struggle to get through each day and it was so disheartening to go through every day with yet more high readings and no understanding or help from the doctors. it took several appointments fighting with the consultant, lots of tears and even more determination to get to a point where i was finally getting the help i needed....

its been a difficult year at college too, I've had to work a lot harder to pull up my grades from last year and its been tough and hugely stressful.... not helped by diabetes of course with the up and down sugar levels.... but its finally over, and I've survived (well i have so far, results day is yet to come...)

control wise with diabetes, I've done well, before starting insulin i had a hba1c of 7.5% which although isn't awful, its still not great.... and at last test i had one of 5.8% which according to my consultant is too low (it was that low due to an awful lot of hypos) so I'm working on that, and I'm aiming for about 6.3% at my next check :)

so i have loads to do this summer.... my main priority is sorting out my insulin to carb ratios. I've been running higher than i want to be recently, and although this is partially cos i haven't exactly been counting my carbs properly, its also down to me suddenly needing alot more insulin recently for no reason that i can think of..... this could be a little tricky though as I'll be working for a large portion of the holidays and my ratios are different for work cos i am alot more active...

I've also got my first ever retinopathy appointment, blood tests, consultant appointment, driving lessons and my driving test all within a few weeks of each other.... no pressure or anything..... plus a holiday and results day squeezed in too.... all of which are gunna send my levels all over the place, between extra stress, changes to routines and whatever else, diabetes is bound to play up.... its cool though, me and my insulin pen will smooth it all out between us....

ooh i almost forgot, I've also got uni to prepare for at some point (providing i get in that is...) but they have already set me work to do, and I'm gunna have to pack my stuff and sort out a new doctor and consultant and dsn and prescriptions and bleurghhh..... typically diabetes means that i have like at least 3 times the amount of stuff to organise than other people....

so although the summer holidays might be a break for some, mine is jam packed and i doubt i will get much of a break before Sept.... but that's the way i like it, it keeps me busy and keeps me from thinking about things too much...

lets just hope that the sun finally makes an appearance at some point :)

lucky?

I'm lucky.... i had almost 17years with a fully functioning pancreas. i was able to have a care free childhood. i was able to get through primary and secondary school without feeling 'different' because of diabetes. before diabetes came i had a normal life. not everyone has that.

i was diagnosed a week before starting college so i don't know what its like to go to college every day without my test kit and medication (whether that is tablets or insulin). i don't know what it feels like to go out drinking without constantly thinking about sugar levels and whether I'm hypo or high. i don't know what its like to drive without testing before and after each journey, and i don't know what its like to not have a restricted licence with the possibility of it being taken away due to diabetes. 

however.... i do know what the carb content of a variety of foods are. i do know what its like to go to bed at night worrying about whether my sugar levels will go so low that i wont wake up in the morning. i do know what its like to sit and watch everyone start eating their meal while I'm still doing the math to figure out my insulin dose. i do know what its like to fight doctors, nurses and consultants for tests or medications that i need to stay healthy and avoid losing my sight and limbs when I'm older. i know what its like to worry about whether i have enough test strips and insulin to get me through the week. i know what its like to pack my insulin and test kit in my bag before my college books and phone. i know what its like to need to carry a bag around because its almost impossible to go without one. i know what its like to be labelled with a chronic illness by everyone and anyone.

i really admire the children who deal with this on a day to day basis and still wear a smile on their face. i admire all of their parents who stay up at night and work throughout the day trying to be a pancreas so their children can be 'normal' like everyone else. i cant imagine what it feels like to watch your child go through it everyday.

diabetes isn't easy and it isn't fun. its the first thing i think of when i wake up and the last thing i think of before bed. its on my mind almost all of the time and although it might not look like it, i am constantly thinking about when my next meal is, when my last insulin dose was, whether i feel hypo or high and whether or not I've got everything i need. diabetes has become my life. its hard to believe that 2years ago my priorities were different and i knew nothing of the life i live now. its hard to believe that a few words can change your life completely. but they do and life carries on. so this is how i have to live until a cure is found and i can return to my old life.

there are times when i want to strangle the person who tells me that diet drinks are bad for me (so are normal ones according to my meter!) or the one who complains that sometimes i eat all the sugary food and sometimes i refuse to eat it and kick up a fuss about it ("yeah i do have reasons but your not gunna understand because you aren't diabetic..."). but we live and learn... there will be a day when people are actually educated about diabetes and all of that will be a distant memory...

time for remembering - my diagnosis story

it suddenly hit me the other day that college is now completely finished.... I've known that for a few weeks but it hadn't hit me till recently just how final that was. time has passed in a strange way these last 2 years, partially cos a lot has happened, and partially cos my life changed an awful lot just before i started college and adapting to it has been tough.....

2yrs ago my life was 'normal'..... I've seen a lot of peoples prom pics going up on facebook and remembering that 2yrs ago i went to my own prom feels extremely strange. it was around that time that i was getting alot of the symptoms of diabetes and looking back i don't know why i didn't get myself checked out sooner. you see, i didn't have a typical diagnosis..... 

it all started about May/June in 2010, i was doing my GCSE's and had study leave. being at home meant that i was snacking more and i started being REALLY tired in the afternoon, it was so bad that i was having naps every single afternoon for a few hours but i was still  tired when i woke up.... i was also drinking alot more.... typical signs of high sugar levels.... i didn't notice it really and just put the tiredness down to the stress of GCSE's and the thirst due to it being summer. i carried on as normal and when my dad came to visit at the end of June he told us that he had just been diagnosed as being diabetic.

me being me, i wanted to know more about it and the symptoms etc. i was showing several of the symptoms... my first inkling to the possibility of me being diabetic..... i asked my mum whether she thought i should get myself checked and she disagreed, she said that i couldn't possibly be diabetic... (ignorance or just plain hopefulness?) 

the next few months carried on.... we were moving house so i was packing things into boxes and preparing for my 3 week trip to Tanzania with my school. i was still thirsty and drinking constantly, I'm not talking like a normal kind of thirst either, its the thirst that makes me wanna just drink straight from the tap cos no amount of fluid can quench it.... i was still tired and sleeping more.... and now i was getting infections too... yet another sign of diabetes. but diabetes didn't cross my mind again, after all, parents know best right? if my mum said that i cant be diabetic then I'm not... simple as that.

well life goes on and i spent an amazing 3 weeks in Tanzania... definitely the best 3 weeks of my life so far.... but being out there meant we were eating their typical diet... a mix of loads of fresh fruit (high in sugar), carbs (more food to raise the sugar levels) and veg... i dread to think what my sugar levels were like when i was out there.... but it was while i was here that yet more side effects were starting to show... weight loss, i must have lost about 2 stone while i was out there and it was noticeable... i mean we all lost weight, but i had definitely lost the most by a fair amount. 

i had also been bitten A LOT more than all of my friends (I'm talking a good 30 bites on each leg, then a load more on my stomach, back and arms.... well over 80 in total) but they simply weren't healing like they should (yep, another sign of the dreaded diabetes) and i also had a load more infections, put that one down to being in a country with strange bugs and germs, but looking back it was definitely diabetes.

we got back a week before results day (and house move day for me too!) on top of that my mum had broken her foot so i couldn't get my bites and infections checked at the GP cos you had to drive to get there and packing the remainder of the house kinda took priority. so i just carried on drinking, sleeping and waiting for the infections to disappear.....

at this point we are about 3 weeks before i was finally diagnosed.... alot happened in those three weeks and the time went by very quickly.... we got my GCSE results, had my college enrolment, settled into our new house and finally registered with our new GP. i booked an emergency appointment with them for before our new patient check cos i still had infections from my trip to Tanzania.

it was with this appointment that i really lost confidence with doctors. looking back i am shocked by his ignorance, lack of questions and simple answer to a problem which was actually quite serious. so i went in and explained about the infections on my feet and how they just weren't shifting.... and his reply? his diagnosis? i was getting infections cos i wasn't moisturising my feet..... his explanation was that dirt was getting into dry skin in my feet and causing infections. no other questions asked. no other tests done. i was simply told that and told to leave.....

luckily, 2 days later i had my new patient check with the nurse.... its all the basics, height, weight, family history of illnesses, urine test..... that's where i was caught. a simple urine test showed up sugar... and some ketones too.... it was this day, the 8th Sept 2010, that my life changed forever. i was scared, i was upset and i didn't know what this would mean for me. i was then told to do a glucose tolerance test the next day, and with a sugar level of 14 after it, i was diagnosed diabetic..... it wasn't till i saw the consultant a few days after that i was given a glucose monitor and told that i had type 2 diabetes, given a load of tablets and left to deal with it myself..... this was a week before i started college. not exactly the best of all starts for me.

the last year and however many months have been tough, they have been filled with battles, tears, victories and losses. i have come a long way from the scared 16yr old sat in that doctors office. i now fight for what i need. i fight for the treatment i deserve. i am stronger and more determined to beat this. that is my diagnosis story. it has been tough to write down, just remembering it all brings back memories i would rather forget but its part of how i am today, and for that i am proud.

when things just drag you down.....

i know i haven't posted in a few days at least... truth is, diabetes has been getting me down. its dragged me down to the pit of despair and has beaten me.

this is just another one of those times i want to be normal. i want to have support, like face to face not just online.... i want to have someone there to give me a hug, hold my hand and fight my battles along side me.

i don't get much support face to face. my d team basically don't give two shits about me or my levels, my family cant even work my meter or insulin pen let alone understand the ins and outs of diabetes and then everyone else who does try to listen to what I'm saying doesn't understand enough to actually be able to help.

then I've put on more weight, it thoroughly depresses me. i know i need to lose weight. i know i need to exercise more. i know i need to eat healthier. but it takes so much energy and effort which i simply don't have. i think this is going to be something i tackle in the summer when i don't have work experience, I'm not as busy and i have more time. 

i also mentioned a while back that my d team wanted me to go back onto tablets.... well i had to stop taking them, they made me feel sooo sick it was unreal, it was to the point where i wasn't eating (but the tabs need to be taken with food) so I'm back on the insulin... only problem is, is that my d team has no idea as they haven't contacted me and i haven't contacted them where I've been busy.... im not looking forward to hearing their take on the matter....

well back to whats been going on the last few days... basically I've given up, I've been taking insulin but its been sporadic, I've only taken it when my levels get high and make me feel ill. but I've got to the point where i no longer care anymore. i don't care that i will get complications. i don't care that I'm diabetic and need to control it. i don't care about much at the moment except getting through each day. that is my focus at the moment and everything else comes after. 

it might sound silly, it might sound like I'm making a fuss. but i have reached a point of complete and utter mental and physical exhaustion. I'm sat here in tears because I'm lost. I'm lost and have no idea of which way to turn anymore or what I'm meant to do. 

so think I'm just gunna sit. I'm going to sit down and wait for the fog to clear so i can find my way again. and when it happens i will hope that i can stay on track. that i can finally get control of diabetes.

finally i would like to say thanks to all of the people that have been there for me, I'm not going to name names but they know who they are. i would just like you to know that i really do appreciate all the support and words of encouragement even though you have never met me. words cant actually describe how much it means to me and i only hope that one day i can repay the favour <3

time to party!!!

one of the lastest parties.... theme of film and media :)

now that exams are over we can finally get round to celebrating peoples birthdays and leaving college properly :)

considering that me and the majority of my friends are now 18 that means alcohol.... and lots of it....

however, theres one slight problem..... diabetes doesnt like mixing with the stuff. at all. 

my levels go really high (like in the 20's) and wont budge, then i start feeling really sick because of the high levels. but when i start drinking water instead, my levels plummet (ive been known to drop 10mmols in 2hrs) all that is before ive even bothered sleeping..... during the night i quite often hypo again, then by morning im still not exactly as high as i would like to be.....

it seems to be quite a common problem amongst diabetics though, alcohol is sooo hard to predict with insulin and sugar levels when it is drunk.....

then theres other factors to add to the mix..... whether im eating snacks or not, what im drinking (is it sugary?) am i dancing or being more active? in other words, its almost impossible to control sugar levels properly while drinking and through the night.....

looks like freshers week is gunna be interesting on the diabetes front.... but i wont let diabetes stop me :)