I'm still here!

I'm not sure where to start with this blog, I haven't posted in forever again and I know this will never be a regular part of my life anymore. Being an adult is hard, and I just don't have the time or energy nowadays to stretch myself in all of the directions I used to.

Being a teacher is taking over my life. Diabetes is taking over my life. Trying for a baby is taking over my life. There is very little space for anything else right now.

Mentally I am doing so much better now. I haven't gone through a 'proper' period of diabetes burnout since I started on my pump (and even more so since I got my dexcom). Diabetes now takes up so much less head space with these devices. I feel safe and happy and diabetes just comes along for the ride now. It's just a shame that these devices that make me feel like this cost so much.

I currently fund both my insulin pump and cgm. They are expensive. Luckily for me I have found some incredibly generous people who have donated pump supplies to me that they no longer need so that I can continue to use my pump with very few costs. It's just a shame that my consultant (who is usually fantastic) wants me to try out tablets again once I've had a baby.

I've lost my fighting spirit though. I can't fight anymore. After the massive fight it took to get onto insulin and get a proper diagnosis in the first place I just have no fight left. This is where I become stuck mentally. I just don't have the energy to fight anything anymore. Even when the DVLA recently took away my driving licence incorrectly I really had to find the energy and mental space to be able to question and fight the decision (Luckily I did as I can now continue to drive and received a written apology). It would have been so much easier to just accept that I couldn't drive and just leave it.

There are also still times where I can't help but hate diabetes (I know everyone does) but there are times where I hate being attached to devices, I hate being vulnerable, I hate how complicated it makes everything, and I hate the pressure it puts on me.

I am so determined to not let it stop me, but in the process it makes everything 100x more complicated. I got married in April, but I couldn't just enjoy my day, diabetes had to complicate it all. First I had to figure out where to put my pump (as I didn't want to go onto injections for the day), then I couldn't find my dexcom receiver just before I walked down the aisle and had to go 'blind' through the ceremony. I had to carry a bag all day for my test kit and hypo treatments (which I didn't want to have to do), then I spent the afternoon running in the teens, before plummeting to a hypo just as I was going to bed.

My honeymoon was complicated by diabetes from the word go too... supplies, letters, spares, ignorance, hypos, etc etc. I'm not ashamed to have my devices on show, but sometimes the stares do frustrate me.

Overall though I know life could be worse. I am incredibly lucky to be in the position I am in. I have family, friends, a husband, a job and a place to live. I have diabetes camp coming up soon (which I love!) and I'm starting new challenges in September when I become a year group leader at my school.

As always though, I hope a cure will be found and life will be simple again!