my mask

have you ever felt like life is just one big show and your simply acting out a part in it? putting on a mask to show the people watching what they want to see? i have, in fact. screw that. i still do.

some days aren't like that at all. some days i can feel the 'real' me coming out, doing everything that i would love to say or do with a genuine smile on my face. but that's the problem. its only some days. other days i slip and slide, struggling to stand on a patch of ice that's caught me unaware.... its these days I have to put a mask on when I'm around others so that everything looks ok when on the inside I'm just crumbling, crying, wanting to reach out but not knowing how.

i hate that i do that. but then from past experiences people just don't care. they see that your sad a lot and just back away slowly not wanting to get involved in the problems that are so obviously there, not realising that doing that makes the situation worse, makes it harder for me to trust others, harder for me to let them into my head and making me slip on that mask more and more.

i wear my mask far too often. often enough for me to believe that its the real me, the me that doesn't have a care in the world, but then it slips. it slips off suddenly and I'm left, stuck like a deer caught in headlights, staring horrified at whats underneath. I'm left looking at the mess that my life really is and has been.

people say that you can just move on, leave the past in the past and just forget about it. but its not that simple, especially when the past bleeds into the present and future, when something triggers a memory of the rubbish you've tried to leave behind and rips open the wounds from before so it feels raw again.

i think its a matter of you cant understand until you've been there yourself. but until you have, you have no right to judge the people who are in that position. its not as easy as switching on and off. its like a bad smell you just cant get rid of. it lingers unchanging until enough time has passed that it starts to clear just a little. 

i have my good days, bad days and in between days.... that's just my life.