you cant always reach the stars

as i grew up i was always told that i could be anything that i wanted to be and do anything i wanted to do as long as i tried. i believed that with all my heart. obviously as i grew i had dreams and ambitions, i wanted to be a doctor or in the army or a paramedic or a teacher or a person on TV.... the list was endless and it changed day to day on occasions.

when i got a little older i realised that there was never a chance of me being some things like an actress or a world famous dancer. i simply didn't have the skills or background to do these things.... but still, i had a whole world full of opportunities.

in the end i decided i wanted to be a doctor of some kind. either in the army or as a paediatrician. throughout secondary school i was told that this was more than possible and that i should keep going for what i wanted.

army medic became my career of choice.... i just needed to get fit enough and i would be sorted. it was gunna be hard work, but it would be worth it because i wanted it that much.

then i was diagnosed.

soon after i realised that i wasn't going to be able to be in the army anymore because of diabetes. i was devastated. it was the first of many blows that the d dealt me in aspects other than my actual health.

another thing i have always wanted to do since i was 8 or 9 was give blood. i wanted to help people who needed those life saving blood transfusions. diabetes stopped that 3 months before i was finally able to.

Ive been on the organ donor register since i was 13.... i signed up for donating all my organs to people who needed them. now the reality is that diabetes could destroy my kidneys, eyes and heart (and the pancreas obviously) so i wont be able to donate them. yeah i can donate the rest of my organs, but i feel like a bit of a let down for not being able to donate everything i signed up for.

then there was becoming a bone marrow donor. to do that you have to be 18. I've waited since i was 14 to do that.... but no. diabetes has yet again stopped that from happening. i think for me this and the blood donating were the hardest blows. watching all your friends sporting huge bruises from donating that week and telling you which colour card they're on for donating so much killed me inside. i wanted to do that. i wanted to be the one in their situation. diabetes sucked for stopping me. and the bone marrow? they are just so short of donors that to not be able to despite desperately wanting to just sucks. there are so many people who can but wont when i would but cant. 

basically. I've learnt that you cant always reach the stars and get where you want to be just because you try. things chronic illnesses get in the way and that sucks. but its just part of life so you just need to get over it and move on. I've found a career that i will enjoy, it may not be the one i always wanted, but its a decent one all the same. and i now encourage people to become donors for everything, even if i cant, if i can get someone else to do it surely that's just as good? well. that's what i like to tell myself anyway.