it feels weird to say... but I'm back....
i haven't been anywhere, but somewhere in the last year i lost all motivation to fight this shitty disease... in the last year I've struggled along and I've not been the best of support for those around me. in other words i lost me, the me i used to know disappeared and has taken a while to return.
for some reason though, I've found the motivation to fight again, I've been a better support to others, I've been happier. I've been testing and injecting, I've been writing it all down and trying to carb count properly.... i don't know where or when i picked it back up, but now I'm trying again.
it feels good, i like feeling more in control of my levels, after all, it tends to be when my levels are high that i struggle most with my mood... i don't have perfect levels though, i still run high, i still get huge swings from high to low and I'm still getting hypos. my control isn't perfect.
but you know what, even though I've been there more to support others, it has come as a sacrifice to myself. by talking to people more about what they're going through, I've not spoken about my own problems. not at all.... I've just started bottling it all up again, i hate that. i still need people to talk to about the rubbish in my life, but when they've got their own things to deal with i simply cant put my own worries onto them too...
in a way it feels good to keep it to myself again, i feel less vulnerable, less open to being hurt because I've put the walls back in place to prevent that happening again. ignoring the problem does mean that it doesn't affect me as much. but its not the answer and i know that. bottling it up doesn't work in the long run....
its hard, I'm still struggling sometimes, i still need someone to help me, sometimes just someone to realise that although i may be helping others i still need help myself....
I've always put other people's needs before my own though so that's the way i will continue to work.... not sure where that will mean i end up, but we will see...
for now though, I'm back. back to the me that i used to know
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