far too much hate

over the last few days i have come to quite a few realisations about my diabetes.

the main one being that i let it define me far too much.... i don't walk around saying to people 'hi I'm Tara and I'm diabetic' but I've realised that i see it as a huge part of me, i see it as something to be completely ashamed of, i see it as something that makes me not worth knowing or talking to. 


all i know for sure is that i hate diabetes too much.

its not good for me to despise it to the point i do.... you know, i would give up anything to not have diabetes anymore. i would rather be homeless and starve each and every day than sit in a comfy room with it. that's how much i hate it right now. and that's not good. not good for me and not good for my body, hating it only makes taking care of it 100x harder. you try stabbing yourself multiple times every day to take care of a disease you wish with every part of you that you had never been born with. because that's the reality of mody, I've had this my whole life but its only caused recognisable problems for the last 2.5yrs. why? why then? why not in 20yrs? 50yrs? never?... there have even been times when i have honestly felt that ending my own life would be the easiest way to deal with this. that is hard to say. really hard. 

i don't give people enough credit really when it comes to being accepting of diabetes, i always think that when i drop into convos that I'm diabetic they just wont want to know me anymore.... I'm learning that I'm wrong with this, I'm learning that I'm wrong to think that people will judge me for having a chronic illness.... 

I'm starting to realise that it doesn't have to be such a big deal in my mind that i have this. i don't need to be ashamed, i don't need to worry about what people think about it.... 

I'm lucky to have the friends that i have, ones who totally accept me and diabetes, they see me first and diabetes second and make sure I'm always alright.... hopefully with this sort of support i will begin to hate diabetes less and accept it more. that is the only way forward. 

I've gotta get control of this. slowly i am, slowly I'm getting myself into a routine of testing regularly and injecting every time i eat rather than at random times when my levels get too high.... i think I'm gunna talk to the diabetic nurse when i see her in a couple of weeks because i do need help with this, i need to go back to square 1 and learn everything all over because lets be honest, I've never really learnt the right way to do things since i started....

I'm also gunna ask about the chance of ever getting a pump when i see the consultant in the summer.... i doubt i will be able to, but its worth a try, I'm willing to fight cos i think that having one will be good for my control. variable basal rates will help a huge amount seeing as i do need different amounts of background insulin throughout the day and night.... and that's impossible to do on injections.... we will see though. first i need to get control of this with the injections and accept it.