today im not okay.

I've been doing better recently.... i still have some ups and downs, but generally my attitude towards diabetes and managing it has been good. 


today hasn't been the best of all days though. 

today I'm completely fed up with it all, I'm fed up of highs and lows, I'm fed up of not knowing how the insulin is gunna affect me or how much I'm meant to take, I'm fed up of not knowing what to do for different aspects of diabetes like exercise. 

I'm angry. angry that it makes me different, angry that i got this stupid disease, angry that there isn't a cure, angry that i don't get the right support, angry that i seem to have to fight for so much just to be able to have the right meds etc. 

I'm scared. scared of the lows, scared of the long term effects it has, scared something will go majorly wrong and i wont know what to do.

I'm scared that this is gunna kill me.


days like today everything just bubbles to the surface of my brain and i hate everything to do with diabetes.

i went low this afternoon, it wasn't a major low (3.3) but it was a low all the same. but the worst bit? i didn't feel it. i only caught it cos i thought i would do a random test. what if i hadn't done that? I'm back at uni now, and I'm all alone. nobody else in my flat is back. what if i had collapsed? i wouldn't have been found. i would have died. i know that sounds dramatic, but its possible. 

but i did catch it, i treated it (over treated it) and now I'm high (18.8) i feel shit. I'm tired, i have a headache, I'm thirsty and most of all i just wanna give up, curl up in a ball and cry. however, just like always, i don't have that option, i don't have the luxury of leaving it alone for a while because if i do ill just feel even worse, my levels will be higher and ill be stuck in the vicious circle of giving up that I've been caught in countless times before..... 

so today I'm sticking a smile back on, wiping the tears away and carrying on. i might look okay today, but I'm really not.