laying my cards on the table

its time to lay my cards on the table. show people exactly whats going on. accept that this is me and it needs to change... people can judge if they want, but this is me.... the real me

high levels.... I've had so many of them recently.... its my own fault, i know that. i know i haven't been taking care of diabetes at all,  I've injected sometimes, tested sometimes but never enough.... I've wanted to forget and leave it behind to allow me to be me.... 

but that's not possible... not taking care of diabetes means i get high levels. it means i run in the teens all day long. it means that my mind is totally screwed up right now. it means that ultimately everything i have now could be totally ruined and it would be all my fault, my job, my relationship, my friends, my degree, my whole world could be totally flipped upside down if i don't sort this out now.... tonight i almost screwed up the best thing that's in my life at the moment. high levels meant that tonight i over reacted to something that wasn't even what i thought it was.... that's totally my fault... if i had tried to control the d, maybe i wouldn't have reacted the way i did, i wouldn't have put the best part of my life on the line tonight

i need help. its time i admitted that to myself. time i remembered that I'm not alone in doing this. time i realised that people are there and i wouldn't be a burden if i actually asked for some help. that's a big thing for me, I've never asked for help cos i don't want to waste peoples time when they could be helping others..... its now that i realise that i need and deserve the help too...

i should talk to my dsn about my mental health. its not something i like to talk about to anyone. it makes me feel vulnerable and different, i see mental health as something private that i should deal with alone. but the reality is that I've probably got depression and I've probably had it more than a little while. its not gunna disappear like i hoped, I'm gunna need help. that's even harder to take in. I've tried for so long to fight a diagnosis of it, but now i need to surrender and accept the help i can get. people don't realise that i was in counselling not so long ago. they don't realise that I've got marks on my body from the lowest points in my life when self harming was the only answer. people don't know that there are times I've overdosed on insulin cos i just couldn't carry on anymore..... I've hidden a whole side of me that I've not wanted people to judge, not wanted people to see or treat me differently for.... but to sort this out, i need to accept that as part of me, part of my past and not my future....

i need to finally accept diabetes as part of me rather than the enemy. i need to get it under control once again so that i can lead my life how i should be leading it. no more risking complications, no more feeling rubbish and pushing people away... its time to embrace it and take control.... i know it will take time and all that i can ask for is patience from the people in my life right now.... but i will get there. i have to get there

so theres my cards all laid out for people to see.... its time i stopped hiding.

terrified

i cant describe the exact feeling of a low, there are no words... 

all i can do is say the effects it has on me... the emotions, the physical effects. 


but there is no way to properly describe it so people understand.... the only way to understand is to experience it yourself...

they make me feel so vulnerable. its like being a small child again, they make me realise that life is so fragile and can be lost in a matter of moments.

lows scare me. in fact, scared doesn't even cover it.... they terrify me. what if my levels don't go up? what if i collapse? what if no one finds me and its too late? what if.....?? that's the problem with lows, theres always the unpredictability of them.... 

today i had a hypo. one which wasn't caused by too much insulin, one which wasn't expected or explainable.... i simply went low after i had been at work all day... i didn't even have any insulin in my system, no background, no rapid.... nothing. 

i wasn't prepared... i didn't have any long acting carbs... i didn't have enough strips... i didn't have enough hypo treatments with me..... 

i was scared. i was alone. i was on the brink of tears knowing that the one time I'm not ready for the worst... it happened. 

the biggest problem was that i was about to drive.... i had one testing strip left, no long acting carbs and less than one bottle of lucozade to sort it.... i know that when i drove home i was breaking almost every rule that i said id stick to when i got my license. 

I'm meant to wait 45mins after a hypo before i drive again.... i barely waited 5mins. I'm meant to test before i drive AND have a level above 5mmol.... my meter said 3.4 when i tested, but I'm sure i was waay lower... i don't know if i was above 4 let alone 5 by the time i started driving... and i said that id always carry enough treatments with me in case the worst did happen.... 

maybe i should see this as a reminder that i need to get myself sorted and start doing it all properly... i will eventually.... its just gunna take some time... lets just hope that nothing like this happens again in the meantime

and another one bites the dust

thats another 5L sharps bin filled.... 

to me a sharps bin isnt just somewhere to chuck my needles and test strips once ive used them.

to me its days worth of struggles and successes

its the feelings of failure and wanting to give up

its another few months worth of injections and blood tests

its countless vials of insulin used to try and keep me healthy

its my battle and journey with diabetes
its the medical side of my life which i hate showing to the outside world
its the one thing that stands big and bright saying that what i do each day isnt meant to be normal.

it takes me a few months to fill a sharps box normally (although its taken longer to fill this one up...) so for me it shows the time thats gone by

you can almost see how my treatment has changed, how ive changed the meter or needles i use... how the amount of tests i now do has decreased dramatically...

it represents the fight thats taken place within the last year to find out what type i really am.

it shows that this stupid disease still hasnt been cured... 

so now to get a new one and start again. just like i will for a long time yet.... 

far too much hate

over the last few days i have come to quite a few realisations about my diabetes.

the main one being that i let it define me far too much.... i don't walk around saying to people 'hi I'm Tara and I'm diabetic' but I've realised that i see it as a huge part of me, i see it as something to be completely ashamed of, i see it as something that makes me not worth knowing or talking to. 


all i know for sure is that i hate diabetes too much.

its not good for me to despise it to the point i do.... you know, i would give up anything to not have diabetes anymore. i would rather be homeless and starve each and every day than sit in a comfy room with it. that's how much i hate it right now. and that's not good. not good for me and not good for my body, hating it only makes taking care of it 100x harder. you try stabbing yourself multiple times every day to take care of a disease you wish with every part of you that you had never been born with. because that's the reality of mody, I've had this my whole life but its only caused recognisable problems for the last 2.5yrs. why? why then? why not in 20yrs? 50yrs? never?... there have even been times when i have honestly felt that ending my own life would be the easiest way to deal with this. that is hard to say. really hard. 

i don't give people enough credit really when it comes to being accepting of diabetes, i always think that when i drop into convos that I'm diabetic they just wont want to know me anymore.... I'm learning that I'm wrong with this, I'm learning that I'm wrong to think that people will judge me for having a chronic illness.... 

I'm starting to realise that it doesn't have to be such a big deal in my mind that i have this. i don't need to be ashamed, i don't need to worry about what people think about it.... 

I'm lucky to have the friends that i have, ones who totally accept me and diabetes, they see me first and diabetes second and make sure I'm always alright.... hopefully with this sort of support i will begin to hate diabetes less and accept it more. that is the only way forward. 

I've gotta get control of this. slowly i am, slowly I'm getting myself into a routine of testing regularly and injecting every time i eat rather than at random times when my levels get too high.... i think I'm gunna talk to the diabetic nurse when i see her in a couple of weeks because i do need help with this, i need to go back to square 1 and learn everything all over because lets be honest, I've never really learnt the right way to do things since i started....

I'm also gunna ask about the chance of ever getting a pump when i see the consultant in the summer.... i doubt i will be able to, but its worth a try, I'm willing to fight cos i think that having one will be good for my control. variable basal rates will help a huge amount seeing as i do need different amounts of background insulin throughout the day and night.... and that's impossible to do on injections.... we will see though. first i need to get control of this with the injections and accept it. 

one big screw you to mr d

you know what, diabetes often gets me down, often makes me feel defeated and often makes me feel incredibly different to other people my age...


especially when it comes to university assignments and uni in general.

my mates can easily sit there 2 days before an assignment is due and just do it. no problems concentrating, no problems with sugar levels. they just sit there and whack out 2000 words in a night easily...

i cant do that, i cant simply say that i will sit down on Tues night and do my essay... i cant rely on my levels being stable enough to sit and concentrate for enough hours to get an essay written in a day or two... that's what diabetes does to me. 

diabetes means that i have to start assignments earlier, put more effort into making sure i do it when i can rather than saying that i will do it later...

Just before Christmas i handed in 2 assignments, i can honestly tell you that between placement, lesson planning and doing these assignments i was very stressed and my levels reflected that... 

but this week i got the results. 

i got a 2.1 and a 2.2 so i am well chuffed with myself.... especially as they were both high marks in that grade boundary, i didn't just scrape into them

results like this in my first semester at uni really does make me stick two fingers up at diabetes and say screw you... its not gunna stop me doing what i want. even if it does throw constant high and low sugar levels at me... 

a smile doesnt always mean i am fine

it feels weird to say... but I'm back....

i haven't been anywhere, but somewhere in the last year i lost all motivation to fight this shitty disease... in the last year I've struggled along and I've not been the best of support for those around me. in other words i lost me, the me i used to know disappeared and has taken a while to return.


for some reason though, I've found the motivation to fight again, I've been a better support to others, I've been happier. I've been testing and injecting, I've been writing it all down and trying to carb count properly.... i don't know where or when i picked it back up, but now I'm trying again.

it feels good, i like feeling more in control of my levels, after all, it tends to be when my levels are high that i struggle most with my mood... i don't have perfect levels though, i still run high, i still get huge swings from high to low and I'm still getting hypos. my control isn't perfect.

but you know what, even though I've been there more to support others, it has come as a sacrifice to myself. by talking to people more about what they're going through, I've not spoken about my own problems. not at all.... I've just started bottling it all up again, i hate that. i still need people to talk to about the rubbish in my life, but when they've got their own things to deal with i simply cant put my own worries onto them too... 

in a way it feels good to keep it to myself again, i feel less vulnerable, less open to being hurt because I've put the walls back in place to prevent that happening again. ignoring the problem does mean that it doesn't affect me as much. but its not the answer and i know that. bottling it up doesn't work in the long run....

its hard, I'm still struggling sometimes, i still need someone to help me, sometimes just someone to realise that although i may be helping others i still need help myself....

I've always put other people's needs before my own though so that's the way i will continue to work.... not sure where that will mean i end up, but we will see...

for now though, I'm back. back to the me that i used to know

sobering thoughts

i found out that today is the 91st anniversary of the first time insulin was used to treat a person with diabetes. 

91 years



that's not a very long time at all. 

on 11th January 1922 insulin was used for the first time to treat a 14yr old boy who had been given the death sentence which was diabetes. 

what i cant believe though is that this happened after the first world war.

WW1 is something we learn about in school, something that never feels like it was that long ago, i mean, there are still people alive from then. 


its a sobering thought that insulin is still a fairly new discovery, its something that we as diabetics take for granted to be able to access every day to stay alive, but only 91 years ago people didn't have access to treatment like this, they didn't have the knowledge that they could live just as long as anyone else, there were no pumps, insulin pens, cgms, glucose meters, ipod apps, online communities.... all they had was the same hope for a cure that we have now.

we take far too much for granted, we forget that things like pumps and cgms are luxuries and that the only important thing is that we have resources like insulin to stay alive. there are still people now that cant access insulin, but at least its available, we are closer to a cure now than we ever have been. 

so we have to keep hoping. hoping for a cure to bring this awful disease to extinction. one day we will get there.

Banting and Best started that journey, and one day someone will end it...

you never know, in another 91 years people may be able to say that they used to have diabetes, wouldn't that be amazing...