over the last few days i have come to quite a few realisations about my diabetes.
the main one being that i let it define me far too much.... i don't walk around saying to people 'hi I'm Tara and I'm diabetic' but I've realised that i see it as a huge part of me, i see it as something to be completely ashamed of, i see it as something that makes me not worth knowing or talking to.
all i know for sure is that i hate diabetes too much.
its not good for me to despise it to the point i do.... you know, i would give up anything to not have diabetes anymore. i would rather be homeless and starve each and every day than sit in a comfy room with it. that's how much i hate it right now. and that's not good. not good for me and not good for my body, hating it only makes taking care of it 100x harder. you try stabbing yourself multiple times every day to take care of a disease you wish with every part of you that you had never been born with. because that's the reality of mody, I've had this my whole life but its only caused recognisable problems for the last 2.5yrs. why? why then? why not in 20yrs? 50yrs? never?... there have even been times when i have honestly felt that ending my own life would be the easiest way to deal with this. that is hard to say. really hard.
i don't give people enough credit really when it comes to being accepting of diabetes, i always think that when i drop into convos that I'm diabetic they just wont want to know me anymore.... I'm learning that I'm wrong with this, I'm learning that I'm wrong to think that people will judge me for having a chronic illness....
I'm starting to realise that it doesn't have to be such a big deal in my mind that i have this. i don't need to be ashamed, i don't need to worry about what people think about it....
I'm lucky to have the friends that i have, ones who totally accept me and diabetes, they see me first and diabetes second and make sure I'm always alright.... hopefully with this sort of support i will begin to hate diabetes less and accept it more. that is the only way forward.
I've gotta get control of this. slowly i am, slowly I'm getting myself into a routine of testing regularly and injecting every time i eat rather than at random times when my levels get too high.... i think I'm gunna talk to the diabetic nurse when i see her in a couple of weeks because i do need help with this, i need to go back to square 1 and learn everything all over because lets be honest, I've never really learnt the right way to do things since i started....
I'm also gunna ask about the chance of ever getting a pump when i see the consultant in the summer.... i doubt i will be able to, but its worth a try, I'm willing to fight cos i think that having one will be good for my control. variable basal rates will help a huge amount seeing as i do need different amounts of background insulin throughout the day and night.... and that's impossible to do on injections.... we will see though. first i need to get control of this with the injections and accept it.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
one big screw you to mr d
you know what, diabetes often gets me down, often makes me feel defeated and often makes me feel incredibly different to other people my age...
especially when it comes to university assignments and uni in general.
my mates can easily sit there 2 days before an assignment is due and just do it. no problems concentrating, no problems with sugar levels. they just sit there and whack out 2000 words in a night easily...
i cant do that, i cant simply say that i will sit down on Tues night and do my essay... i cant rely on my levels being stable enough to sit and concentrate for enough hours to get an essay written in a day or two... that's what diabetes does to me.
diabetes means that i have to start assignments earlier, put more effort into making sure i do it when i can rather than saying that i will do it later...
Just before Christmas i handed in 2 assignments, i can honestly tell you that between placement, lesson planning and doing these assignments i was very stressed and my levels reflected that...
but this week i got the results.
i got a 2.1 and a 2.2 so i am well chuffed with myself.... especially as they were both high marks in that grade boundary, i didn't just scrape into them
results like this in my first semester at uni really does make me stick two fingers up at diabetes and say screw you... its not gunna stop me doing what i want. even if it does throw constant high and low sugar levels at me...
especially when it comes to university assignments and uni in general.
my mates can easily sit there 2 days before an assignment is due and just do it. no problems concentrating, no problems with sugar levels. they just sit there and whack out 2000 words in a night easily...
i cant do that, i cant simply say that i will sit down on Tues night and do my essay... i cant rely on my levels being stable enough to sit and concentrate for enough hours to get an essay written in a day or two... that's what diabetes does to me.
diabetes means that i have to start assignments earlier, put more effort into making sure i do it when i can rather than saying that i will do it later...
Just before Christmas i handed in 2 assignments, i can honestly tell you that between placement, lesson planning and doing these assignments i was very stressed and my levels reflected that...
but this week i got the results.
i got a 2.1 and a 2.2 so i am well chuffed with myself.... especially as they were both high marks in that grade boundary, i didn't just scrape into them
results like this in my first semester at uni really does make me stick two fingers up at diabetes and say screw you... its not gunna stop me doing what i want. even if it does throw constant high and low sugar levels at me...
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
a smile doesnt always mean i am fine
it feels weird to say... but I'm back....
i haven't been anywhere, but somewhere in the last year i lost all motivation to fight this shitty disease... in the last year I've struggled along and I've not been the best of support for those around me. in other words i lost me, the me i used to know disappeared and has taken a while to return.
for some reason though, I've found the motivation to fight again, I've been a better support to others, I've been happier. I've been testing and injecting, I've been writing it all down and trying to carb count properly.... i don't know where or when i picked it back up, but now I'm trying again.
it feels good, i like feeling more in control of my levels, after all, it tends to be when my levels are high that i struggle most with my mood... i don't have perfect levels though, i still run high, i still get huge swings from high to low and I'm still getting hypos. my control isn't perfect.
but you know what, even though I've been there more to support others, it has come as a sacrifice to myself. by talking to people more about what they're going through, I've not spoken about my own problems. not at all.... I've just started bottling it all up again, i hate that. i still need people to talk to about the rubbish in my life, but when they've got their own things to deal with i simply cant put my own worries onto them too...
in a way it feels good to keep it to myself again, i feel less vulnerable, less open to being hurt because I've put the walls back in place to prevent that happening again. ignoring the problem does mean that it doesn't affect me as much. but its not the answer and i know that. bottling it up doesn't work in the long run....
its hard, I'm still struggling sometimes, i still need someone to help me, sometimes just someone to realise that although i may be helping others i still need help myself....
I've always put other people's needs before my own though so that's the way i will continue to work.... not sure where that will mean i end up, but we will see...
for now though, I'm back. back to the me that i used to know
i haven't been anywhere, but somewhere in the last year i lost all motivation to fight this shitty disease... in the last year I've struggled along and I've not been the best of support for those around me. in other words i lost me, the me i used to know disappeared and has taken a while to return.
for some reason though, I've found the motivation to fight again, I've been a better support to others, I've been happier. I've been testing and injecting, I've been writing it all down and trying to carb count properly.... i don't know where or when i picked it back up, but now I'm trying again.
it feels good, i like feeling more in control of my levels, after all, it tends to be when my levels are high that i struggle most with my mood... i don't have perfect levels though, i still run high, i still get huge swings from high to low and I'm still getting hypos. my control isn't perfect.
but you know what, even though I've been there more to support others, it has come as a sacrifice to myself. by talking to people more about what they're going through, I've not spoken about my own problems. not at all.... I've just started bottling it all up again, i hate that. i still need people to talk to about the rubbish in my life, but when they've got their own things to deal with i simply cant put my own worries onto them too...
in a way it feels good to keep it to myself again, i feel less vulnerable, less open to being hurt because I've put the walls back in place to prevent that happening again. ignoring the problem does mean that it doesn't affect me as much. but its not the answer and i know that. bottling it up doesn't work in the long run....
its hard, I'm still struggling sometimes, i still need someone to help me, sometimes just someone to realise that although i may be helping others i still need help myself....
I've always put other people's needs before my own though so that's the way i will continue to work.... not sure where that will mean i end up, but we will see...
for now though, I'm back. back to the me that i used to know
Friday, 11 January 2013
sobering thoughts
i found out that today is the 91st anniversary of the first time insulin was used to treat a person with diabetes.
91 years
that's not a very long time at all.
on 11th January 1922 insulin was used for the first time to treat a 14yr old boy who had been given the death sentence which was diabetes.
what i cant believe though is that this happened after the first world war.
WW1 is something we learn about in school, something that never feels like it was that long ago, i mean, there are still people alive from then.
its a sobering thought that insulin is still a fairly new discovery, its something that we as diabetics take for granted to be able to access every day to stay alive, but only 91 years ago people didn't have access to treatment like this, they didn't have the knowledge that they could live just as long as anyone else, there were no pumps, insulin pens, cgms, glucose meters, ipod apps, online communities.... all they had was the same hope for a cure that we have now.
we take far too much for granted, we forget that things like pumps and cgms are luxuries and that the only important thing is that we have resources like insulin to stay alive. there are still people now that cant access insulin, but at least its available, we are closer to a cure now than we ever have been.
so we have to keep hoping. hoping for a cure to bring this awful disease to extinction. one day we will get there.
Banting and Best started that journey, and one day someone will end it...
you never know, in another 91 years people may be able to say that they used to have diabetes, wouldn't that be amazing...
that's not a very long time at all.
on 11th January 1922 insulin was used for the first time to treat a 14yr old boy who had been given the death sentence which was diabetes.
what i cant believe though is that this happened after the first world war.
WW1 is something we learn about in school, something that never feels like it was that long ago, i mean, there are still people alive from then.
its a sobering thought that insulin is still a fairly new discovery, its something that we as diabetics take for granted to be able to access every day to stay alive, but only 91 years ago people didn't have access to treatment like this, they didn't have the knowledge that they could live just as long as anyone else, there were no pumps, insulin pens, cgms, glucose meters, ipod apps, online communities.... all they had was the same hope for a cure that we have now.
we take far too much for granted, we forget that things like pumps and cgms are luxuries and that the only important thing is that we have resources like insulin to stay alive. there are still people now that cant access insulin, but at least its available, we are closer to a cure now than we ever have been.
so we have to keep hoping. hoping for a cure to bring this awful disease to extinction. one day we will get there.
Banting and Best started that journey, and one day someone will end it...
you never know, in another 91 years people may be able to say that they used to have diabetes, wouldn't that be amazing...
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
today im not okay.
I've been doing better recently.... i still have some ups and downs, but generally my attitude towards diabetes and managing it has been good.
today hasn't been the best of all days though.
today I'm completely fed up with it all, I'm fed up of highs and lows, I'm fed up of not knowing how the insulin is gunna affect me or how much I'm meant to take, I'm fed up of not knowing what to do for different aspects of diabetes like exercise.
I'm angry. angry that it makes me different, angry that i got this stupid disease, angry that there isn't a cure, angry that i don't get the right support, angry that i seem to have to fight for so much just to be able to have the right meds etc.
I'm scared. scared of the lows, scared of the long term effects it has, scared something will go majorly wrong and i wont know what to do.
I'm scared that this is gunna kill me.
days like today everything just bubbles to the surface of my brain and i hate everything to do with diabetes.
i went low this afternoon, it wasn't a major low (3.3) but it was a low all the same. but the worst bit? i didn't feel it. i only caught it cos i thought i would do a random test. what if i hadn't done that? I'm back at uni now, and I'm all alone. nobody else in my flat is back. what if i had collapsed? i wouldn't have been found. i would have died. i know that sounds dramatic, but its possible.
but i did catch it, i treated it (over treated it) and now I'm high (18.8) i feel shit. I'm tired, i have a headache, I'm thirsty and most of all i just wanna give up, curl up in a ball and cry. however, just like always, i don't have that option, i don't have the luxury of leaving it alone for a while because if i do ill just feel even worse, my levels will be higher and ill be stuck in the vicious circle of giving up that I've been caught in countless times before.....
so today I'm sticking a smile back on, wiping the tears away and carrying on. i might look okay today, but I'm really not.
today hasn't been the best of all days though.
today I'm completely fed up with it all, I'm fed up of highs and lows, I'm fed up of not knowing how the insulin is gunna affect me or how much I'm meant to take, I'm fed up of not knowing what to do for different aspects of diabetes like exercise.
I'm angry. angry that it makes me different, angry that i got this stupid disease, angry that there isn't a cure, angry that i don't get the right support, angry that i seem to have to fight for so much just to be able to have the right meds etc.
I'm scared. scared of the lows, scared of the long term effects it has, scared something will go majorly wrong and i wont know what to do.
I'm scared that this is gunna kill me.
days like today everything just bubbles to the surface of my brain and i hate everything to do with diabetes.
i went low this afternoon, it wasn't a major low (3.3) but it was a low all the same. but the worst bit? i didn't feel it. i only caught it cos i thought i would do a random test. what if i hadn't done that? I'm back at uni now, and I'm all alone. nobody else in my flat is back. what if i had collapsed? i wouldn't have been found. i would have died. i know that sounds dramatic, but its possible.
but i did catch it, i treated it (over treated it) and now I'm high (18.8) i feel shit. I'm tired, i have a headache, I'm thirsty and most of all i just wanna give up, curl up in a ball and cry. however, just like always, i don't have that option, i don't have the luxury of leaving it alone for a while because if i do ill just feel even worse, my levels will be higher and ill be stuck in the vicious circle of giving up that I've been caught in countless times before.....
so today I'm sticking a smile back on, wiping the tears away and carrying on. i might look okay today, but I'm really not.
Friday, 4 January 2013
slow down and realise
since i was diagnosed just over 2yrs ago i have tried my hardest to never let my reason for not doing something, be diabetes.
i have never let myself stay home from work or college/uni if my levels are all over the place or if i had a hypo in the night and didn't sleep much, i rarely stop for long to treat high/low sugars and if I'm at work ill often be eating to bring my levels up while doing another job or carrying on with assignments. ill go to parties whether I'm exhausted or not and whether my levels are high/low or not. ill fit doctors appointments around my life so that i don't need to miss out on stuff, and ill always play down just how bad diabetes makes me feel.
quite simply i love to prove that diabetes doesn't make me different to anyone else.
but sometimes i need to realise that i cant be just like everyone else, that i do have more things to think about or take care of. sometimes i do need to stop and take a break when diabetes becomes a pain and makes me feel rubbish. sometimes i need those doctors appointments even if the only one available is at the most inconvenient time. i need to realise that i cant skip injections or sugar checks just cos i don't wanna do it in front of the people I'm with, and when I'm completely exhausted i need to realise that i should cancel any plans I've made and just rest, because if i don't it just makes me feel even worse.... after all, there will always be a next time to see friends, there will be other nights to go out...
recently I've started to see that i push myself far too much. my body doesn't like it. I'm totally knackered 24/7 whether i sleep all night or not. my levels are all over the place where I'm not paying enough attention to diabetes and I'm generally finding things way harder to cope with.
i need to take all of this way more seriously, i need to stop and listen to what my body is telling me. sometimes i need to just be a person who has a chronic illness, not one who is totally fine because i know that if i do this much longer i will end up regretting my decisions....
i have never let myself stay home from work or college/uni if my levels are all over the place or if i had a hypo in the night and didn't sleep much, i rarely stop for long to treat high/low sugars and if I'm at work ill often be eating to bring my levels up while doing another job or carrying on with assignments. ill go to parties whether I'm exhausted or not and whether my levels are high/low or not. ill fit doctors appointments around my life so that i don't need to miss out on stuff, and ill always play down just how bad diabetes makes me feel.
quite simply i love to prove that diabetes doesn't make me different to anyone else.
but sometimes i need to realise that i cant be just like everyone else, that i do have more things to think about or take care of. sometimes i do need to stop and take a break when diabetes becomes a pain and makes me feel rubbish. sometimes i need those doctors appointments even if the only one available is at the most inconvenient time. i need to realise that i cant skip injections or sugar checks just cos i don't wanna do it in front of the people I'm with, and when I'm completely exhausted i need to realise that i should cancel any plans I've made and just rest, because if i don't it just makes me feel even worse.... after all, there will always be a next time to see friends, there will be other nights to go out...
recently I've started to see that i push myself far too much. my body doesn't like it. I'm totally knackered 24/7 whether i sleep all night or not. my levels are all over the place where I'm not paying enough attention to diabetes and I'm generally finding things way harder to cope with.
i need to take all of this way more seriously, i need to stop and listen to what my body is telling me. sometimes i need to just be a person who has a chronic illness, not one who is totally fine because i know that if i do this much longer i will end up regretting my decisions....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)