how do you explain to someone how your feeling if you don't really know how to put it into words? how do you tell someone you need help when all you have done your entire life is struggle through on your own? how do you take that gigantic leap into the unknown?
i have never been one to tell someone that I'm struggling. I've never been one to ask for help even when I'm only holding on by the tips of my fingers. I'm not one to share how I'm feeling full stop. its not natural to me.
so when diabetes gets me down, when i don't know how to get my levels into check, when i am just generally having problems i just bottle it all up. i keep it all inside until i cant hold any more. i hold it in until it explodes out of me and makes me feel like I'm a shit person and my life is shit. that's how things have worked for me.
i hate that this is the way i work. i hate that i don't trust people enough to ever fully open up because I'm scared that they wont like what they find. nobody knows me, as in the real me. i hate myself for that.
i hate how much of an impact my mood and my feelings have an impact on diabetes, how it means i don't look after myself because i cant get the motivation to do anything. how i stop caring about the highs and lows which could be dangerous.
i think the bit i hate the most is that i did take that step, i reached out and was getting proper help. i was finding things easier, sharing things more and feeling less alone in my battles. i felt like i actually counted and that someone cared about what i thought.
but then it stopped. it stopped cos i had to leave college. and now i don't have that help I'm back to bottling things up. I'm back to struggling. but I've got to take that leap again. i need to get my life back on track and get my mind less muddled....
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