today was that day that happens twice yearly for me. the day that makes me panic for no reason and can reduce me to tears just thinking about. today i had to see the diabetes consultant.
now me and my consultant rarely see eye to eye. he tries to get me to do whatever he wants just because I'm one of his youngest patients in the adult clinic so therefore i should believe everything he says. most of my appointments with him have ended with me in tears because he simply wont listen to what I'm saying, he dismisses everything i say even though i know my body better than he does.
He always has these theories about my diabetes.... how my weight caused my diabetes and how insulin wont work for me and how basically I'm making up excuses about every tablet I've tried just so that i don't have to stay on them. he has sworn that I'm extremely insulin resistant and that losing weight and metformin will get my sugar levels on the straight and narrow.
these are the things i end up fighting with him about.
for a year now since starting insulin I've been telling him that I'm not insulin resistant. i had no proof to start with, i just knew I wasn't. then when my levels were finally stabling out and i was on less insulin than an average t1 uses i finally had the proof to back myself up. its not that I'm insulin resistant, its simply that my pancreas is not producing enough.
today was my last ever appointment with him. I'm now being referred to a clinic closer to uni. and today, we finally agreed. we finally made a mutual decision about me being able to stay on insulin rather than tablets. and he has finally agreed that my pancreas just isn't working to full capacity (like i have been saying for a long time). i don't have the right words to explain how that made me feel. relief that they finally agree? annoyance that its taken this long? i dunno....
for the last 2yrs i have heavily laid the blame of diabetes on myself. how if i had exercised more or lost more weight then i would have avoided it. maybe if i had eaten more vegetables or less junk food maybe i wouldn't be diabetic? now i know that i didn't do anything to bring it on myself. it was simply one of those things that happened.
so now i wait. i wait for the new consultant to give me an appointment. i wait for the MODY test results to arrive. just like always i will wait patiently for things to finally go right. one day it will be ok. one day there will be a cure and this will all be a distant memory. one day, nobody will have to fight diabetes.
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