You fall down and pick yourself back up again...

i know I'm not perfect when it comes to diabetes, even if i would really like it to seem like i am. i skip insulin doses, i forget to test and sometimes i just eat whatever i want even if my blood sugar is high. i know that this is quite often stupid, but sometimes i love the feeling of being 'normal', i love the fact that even for that tiny moment i can feel like every other person my age (it only lasts a while though till the sugar kicks in and makes my levels really high) 

for me, there are times when i cant face dealing with it anymore on my own. i might be 18 but i still want someone there to sort it all out for me and take the responsibility off my shoulders from time to time. there are times when i want someone to just give me a hug and tell me that its all gunna be ok, even if at that moment in time it feels like it never will. sometimes when i put on a brave face i just want someone to look at me and realise that I'm not ok and i just need someone to listen to me without judging. but i think what i want most is someone there who may not totally understand, but is willing to learn, someone who will look past the bruises and lumps from injecting, someone who doesn't care that my fingers are covered in holes and sees me for me, not for my diabetes, after all, I'm a person with diabetes, not diabetes with a person

the last few days I've been fighting myself. i have been having one of those times when i don't want to do it anymore, so i ignore it. i don't bother with anything i should do even though i know I'm doing myself harm with the high levels. anyone who doesn't deal with it themselves probably thinks I'm pretty stupid right now, i mean why do something if you know its gunna harm you? i would love to answer that, but i simply cant... there are no words to describe how i feel at times like this and the only people who truly understand are those going through a something similar.

so now I've gotta pick myself back up again, i need to get back on top of the diabetes so that I'm back in control. its hard but its gotta be done and it will only be done with the support from others, whether thats my friends, my family or the DOC (diabetes online community) i will get there.....  one day i will be able to do this for the final time and i will have total control of this beast of a disease, but until then i will continue to fall and pick myself back up again